Saturday, June 30, 2007

Embarrassing Memory #8: Wanker's Revenge

I wasn't too sure whether or not to admit to this at the time, a little event that happened when I was in New York a few months ago.

I had spent the night sleeping on a sofa after a frankly appalling evening in a bar I didn't want to be in, and with a ladyfriend who clearly wasn't bothered about speaking to me, preferring to chat to and get back rubs from her male friends instead.

We'd got back to her apartment later that evening, saying nothing to each other as we prepared for bed. Once in bed, my ex couldn't even summon up the words 'Goodnight' after I'd offered her the same sentiment seconds earlier.

So I lay there, really thoroughly pissed off for about four minutes, then thinking 'Fuck this, I can take a hint', and storming off to her couch in the living room.

And on her couch, I continued to think; thoughts of anger at myself for assuming I could just turn up at an ex's apartment in a foreign country and think all would be cool, thoughts of anger at her for being cold, thoughts of shame that I'd travelled all that way and put us both through this.

And as I continued to think and squirm and fidget and - ultimately - when it became clear that there was no way on earth I was going to get any sleep that evening, I devised a plan, a cunning and symbolic scheme that would pass some time, entertain me and, in an almost poetic sense, exact some revenge:

I was going to have a wank on her sofa.

I was in a t-shirt and jeans, with my coat over my torso, the hobo's duvet. I fumbled around my pocket for a clean tissue and began to grow in every sense as my mind conjured up images from my Memorywank; sex with ex-girlfriends, filthier girlfriends with bigger tits than Spurnwoman in the next room, and images of Tera Patrick in some of her more vocal movies. Undoing my jeans, I pushed them and my boxers to my ankles, and got on with the task in hand, feeling both gratified and a little bit disgusted with myself all at once.

The perfect crime, releasing all that pent up anger and energy in a positive way, plus I was very accurately wanking on her sofa.
Win/ Win.

Daylight is trying to force its way into the living room through heavy curtains. I squint as I regain consciousness and realise that I am cold and my coat has fallen to the floor during the night. Oh yeah, I'm in New York.


Shower noises.

I could hear my ex-girlfriend's Petite Pretty Flatmate storming about the apartment and I wonder what she'd make of me lying on her sofa. I close my eyes and try to fall back to sleep. Then I open them in alarm.

Didn't I try to have a wank last night?

I sit up. I am naked from the waist down, an unused tissue lying on the floor.
Oh christ.
Despite being ruthlessly alert when I began pleasuring myself, I clearly couldn't even turn myself on. I had fallen asleep mid-toss, slowing down the strokes until, cock in hand, I began to snore.

The worst part is the fact that my ex's New York apartment has no door to the living room. It is an open plan space, with the only doors being to bath or bedrooms. This can mean only one thing; on exiting their rooms, my ex and her Petite Pretty Flatmate would've had a no-holds barred view of me snoring loudly on the sofa, pants round my ankles, and holding my brain.

I chose not to discuss the matter with either of them that day, and I have kept quiet about it ever since.

Until now.

No wonder I'm perpetually single.


londongirl said...

I howled with laughter. Sorry. That's just too funny.

stephen with a ph said...

You wanker...loved it!

thegirl said...

Oh dear god, this is brilliant. Awful, but brilliant.

la fille mariƩe said...

Oh lord, ducky, I can't stop laughing. Only you. Only you could start with revenge and end up snoring with your cock in your hand. Brilliant. :)

Nice word verification by the way. fwsxthut = Fweng's Sex Hut?

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...


That's really got to be the most EVER embarrassing moment you've ever had!

G said...

Lets pretend you are a Super Hero and your Super Hero Power (SHP) allowed you to see into the future from day one (when tippity tapping your wittisisms to romance Yank Girl on the computer box) had you forseen that one day you would be angrily trying to pound one out on her couch to spite her...would you have persued this affair? The reason I ask is, even without SHP, don't you KNOW in your heart and head before continuing on whether a relationship thats 4,000 miles apart is something you want to change your life for? Ya dumb drunk. Ok, because I'm not a total cunt I do feel great big feelings of sympathy for you and her and hope that everyone comes out of that relationship alive and unharmed. Good luck.

G said...

P.S. I also hope you stopped punishing your cock and have treated to something nice lately. ;)

Z said...

It could have been worse, far worse. The wank could have come to its satisfying conclusion. Then you would have fallen asleep in a puddle of jizz on the sofa and the girls would not have overlooked that. You'd have had to spend all your holiday money on a cheap and nasty hotel. As it is, every man sometimes gives his cock a nice cuddle as he goes to sleep, and PPF would have thought it quite normal.

elif said...

if you were going to wank on her sofa for revenge, why use a napkin? haha yeah anyway i hope they haven't seen you there and even if they have, none of this matters anymore.

luna said...

Don't worry.

When they saw the tissue on the floor,they assumed you were shedding tears of sorrow and that in the dark you got confused which nose to blow.

P.S. Picturing vile T.P. to wank to, now that is really spiteful.You're cruel.

P.P.S. Is Waynecoff not dropping by anymore? This post is right up his street.

Ordinary Girl said...

Oh, these embarrassing moments are just the funniest!! You've inspired a rule for my next Big Blogger post!

Although I always feel a little mean laughing :-)

fwengebola said...

LG ~ I am glad some good has come out of this, then.
S ~ Not the first or last time I'll be called that, ta!
TG ~ I'm sure I'll come up with more of the same soon.
LFM ~ I've a nasty feeling I often fall asleep with a cock in my hand. My own, though.
Vi ~ Crap, you think so? I think it was the unconscious part that has saved me from fully grimacing about it.
G ~ Oh god, that relationship's dead in the water. Come to think of it, it was that morning that my ex wrote me a letter apologising for the fact that I wasn't to be getting any sex when there. Can't think what inspired that.
And nope - just the odd massage.
Z ~ Normal, yet against the conventions of decent society. God, I wish I'd followed through.
elif ~ If only, if only, if only.
If only I'd been born with a dignity gene. That would've helped.
Luna ~ Yes, a rock hard tissue that resembles a white pebble. And 'vile' isn't an adjective that springs to mind when thinking of Tera Patrick.
OG ~ Oh thank you. And what is Big Blogger exactly?

Dave said...

Greatest blog post EVER. Genius.

sue said...

I found that strangely endearing.

No wonder I'm perpetually single.

Peach said...

you boys....


great post !

Anonymous said...

I actually laughed. You gorgeous freak!

Ordinary Girl said...

No matter about BB, as I've just been booted!! Bastards!
Link on my blog by the way - not that it matters anymore :-)

Tim Clague said...


This is exactly why you are single. Having sex with you must be so boring even YOU fall asleep. Good grief!

Little Bird said...

That is the best laugh I've had in ages. Just what the doctor ordered!

Sabine said...

Holy Moly,
I love confessionals!!!
things that cause ourselvces the deepest of shame and yet utter mirth to someone else,

Will said...

Yowsa! You've deglamourised New York in about three minutes. Hoorah!

Venting said...

Seriously funny... coffee spilled on my white skirt to prove it. Gorgeous.

Still funny, though.

fwengebola said...

Dave ~ Good god Dave, that is the highest of high praises. I admire your astuteness. Ness.
Sue ~ Not if you met me. Then you'd just think it a bland factual statement.
Peach ~ Thank you. But it was caused by one of You Girls.
Anon ~ Strange combination of flattery and insults. But thank you. I accept.
OG ~ Seen it. Oh god, who's got time for that???
TC ~ Are you coming on to me, Claguey?
LB ~ Yep. Thank you. Just don't expect me to reveal anything like that in person.
Sabine ~ Yep. Some call it loss of face, but I see it as exorcising some really ugly demons. If just got lots though.
Will ~ I could unglamourise Croydon. And that takes some doing.
V ~ Really? Spit or wobble?
Sorry, I don't know what that means.

me said...

i laughed until it HURT

fwengebola said...

Ooh, you ok?

Anonymous said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I actually googled for "Wanker's Revenge" on a whim, and this has to be one of the FUNNIEST GOOGLE RESULTS I HAVE EVER READ IN HISTORY!!!

fwengebola said...

That's phenomenally kind, thank you.