Sunday, June 24, 2007


28 Days Later is on at the moment. I think I'd quite like to survive a post-apocalyptic world populated by zombies. At least then I'd have clear, attainable goals in life; Kill zombies, Don't die, Go for a swim.

I feel like a zombie. I am bored. My stop-gap emergency job, the one where I gave myself a year to claw back my debts, get a new flat to rent, and look for The Right Job in the meantime has now ticked along and I've been there for almost two years, two years of keeping my head down as I still haven't got a clue what to do or where to go.

I have joined Facebook in the last couple of weeks and it is eating up all my time. I have spotted some lads I was at school with - wankers, mainly. Some are married with kids. Most have girlfriends. All appear to have decent jobs, or their own businesses, and look very, very content. So that's been a fun discovery, realising you've wandered so far off the beaten track, you can hear a banjo being played somewhere.

I was invited to my Dads for dinner on Friday night. While his friends chatted among themselves, I looked at my old man and it was like looking into the future. His shoulders were drooped, his head hung a little low. He stared into the middle distance looking like a man whose dreams, ambitions and plans went unfulfilled a long time ago. He is 73, still working, still with a mortgage to pay.

And no-one has told the weather it's late June.

On the plus side, I am chatting on-line to a ladyperson. I don't have the heart to tell her that I'm not a barrel of laughs right now, a bit like a Jim Davidson concert. I also have a week's holiday in Spain coming up. That may help. It also may give me chronic liver failure, reinforce the fact that I'm clinically doomed, and necessitate a futher holiday by the time I get back to work.

33 years on this bloody planet and all I've got to show for it is a fucking blog.

* * * * * * * * * UPDATE 26.06.07 * * * * * * * * * * * *

I have since read my comments. I am largely moved, and feel a tad primadonna-ish and more than a little told off. I apologise. It was Sunday night. I had eaten a lot of carbs and smoked like an impending ban was upon us. Needless to say, I shall try and keep the really miserable stuff well contained. Furthermore, I shall try and - oh god - write something properly creative n' that. Just don't ever expect to see it on TV or in a bookstore. But thank you for assuming it could be.


Ordinary Girl said...

Yay I'm first!

And firstly for you, get another bloody job!! Even if you dont know what you want to do, this job is obviously doing your head in so much that a change has got to be better!

Secondly, of course every one on Facebook, like everyone on all of those "friend" sites, looks like they're having a fabulous time. Nobody wants to update their profile saying their stuck in a loveless marriage with two bratty kids and a wife who's idea of sexual enjoyment is once a month missionary with the lights off!

Thirdly, this blog happens to be pretty fabulous, which is more than many, many peoples!

Consider the firm talking to over!

Angela-la-la said...

Oh, I get it now. Pondering.

My answer begins with 'dr' and ends in 'inks on friday - get your arse there!'

You'll either have a great laugh and feel better or realise someone else has it worse than you and feel better.

Z said...

There's not even much fucking in the blog, is there?

chopperbomb said...

If I had a quid for every time you've had a go at Jim Davidson on this blog I'd have, oh at leady ten pounds! I think you have a fixation about the cockney comedian cunt...

chopperbomb said...

How did I manage to spell 'least' as 'leady'? And why didn't I check it before posting it?

londongirl said...

I'm with ordinary girl. No-one is going to post that things aren't going that well, that their wife is a pain in the arse and crap in bed and they hate their boss and so on. so DO NOT compare yourself to a fiction. Tis pointless.

Tis not pointless however to do more things that make you happy. Drinking yourself to oblivion in Spain may not be the answer (sorry). Get a better job. Or at least apply for one. And pull your shoulders back, goddammit.

Lecture over. sorry.

Anonymous said...

They have told the weather. They told it Wimbledon was starting today.

Day Dreamer said...

You blog makes me giggle.

A newbie blogger in the USA loves your writing style and sense of twisted humor.

I'm not on Facebook. I don't have that good of an imagination.

You should go for drinks, re-evaluate the job and screw Facebook in my humble little nobody-gives-a-shit opinion.

I'm amuck in torrents of rain and tornado's abound. Feel lucky?

Anonymous said...

God... no point in me lecturing, ducky... ordinary and london girls have said it all, and Ang's idea is the best of all.

At least your blog is good. And we all love you. :)

Jo said...

Beware of facebook - beware of the people who add you for precisely the reason you have that you go 'oh, look how successful they are'. WRONG! Even mc donald's managers have to wear suits, ya know. ;)

Anonymous said...

"sarah has invited you to be her friend on facebook, click here to confirm or decline..."

sarah! you've got my fucking email and we're friends already so if you really want confirmation send me an email, or better still give me a call and i'll say 'yes sarah, i'm your friend, do you want to go out for a drink sometime...' - but don't waste my precious valuable wasteable time with this fucking shite you tedious bint!

the name of the above has been changed for no paticular reason, so if you read this blog:

lisa....and the odd one or two others...

then i'm fucking-well talking to you! stop it!

Joie de Vivre said...

i hate how you think all you have is this blog and then you go and dump it (read: me, ahem, i mean, us) for facebook, the middle class myspace.

you truly have gone to the dark side. hurry up and quit your job and come to nz to make me laugh. i'll get you laid.

Bianca in L.A. said...

Listen, I think you could turn all your whinging into a highly successful TV show. This "fucking blog" is sharp, clever and consistently fucking hilarious. And clearly it resonates. You should just step up, accept the fact that you're a fucking talented writer and get on with it already!

Tim Clague said...

Good blog tho - better than mine. So that's okay then!

fwengebola said...

OG ~ Sure, but the thing is, I've had so many dead-end job recently that I know what a bad one is like. And this isn't that bad. It's not where I want to be, but it beats cutting all ties and doing anything else.
For now, anyway.
And I guess profiles don't show angst very well. Good point.
Thank you otherwise. I feel suitably chastised.
Ang ~ Yes, yes, I know. I will see how I am by Fri night and let you know. Sorry to be a pain, etc.
Z ~ That's right, rub it in.
Chop ~ I think nearer three pounds, actually. I knew I should've picked on Jeffrey Archer. It's been a while.
LG ~ Yes, another good point. I won't be drinking myself to oblivion in Spain though. Some nights I'll be smoking crack.
Otherwise, yes. I will start making steps, or something.
Anon ~ An excellent bon mot.
DD ~ Well that's nice, thank you. But aren't tornadoes common for this time of year? Cold and rain isn't normally the usual thing, even for a British late June.
LFM ~ Now that is nice. And stalky. Even so, 33 years summoned up in a sweary blog. That's it.
Pass the hallucinogens, please.
Jo ~ I only add people so I can acquire 100 friends. And once I reach 100, I shall aim for, oh I don't know, having a life instead.
Anon ~ I quite like that rant. It should be on Holy Moly's Cunts' Corner though. For one thing, Alexis, Danielle, Rachel and Lisa are more likely to be there reading that than here being brought down by a cunt who's eaten too many McVities digestives for dinner.
JDV ~ Hey, I haven't dumped anyone! For one thing, my Mum's on my Facebook list, so I can't swear all that much there. I'll have to come here for that.
And I'll take you up on your pimping skills.
BiLA ~ Gott in himmel, that is extraordinarily generous. "Sharp, clever and consistently fucking hilarious"? Are you sure you're typing in the right web address?
You're making me think I should update my post...
TC ~ Good lord, you even type how you speak. Remarkable.

Angela-la-la said...

Change of plan for Friday so you've escaped!

Next time though... ;-)

Bianca in L.A. said...

From one (occasionally) melodramatic primadonna, daily whinger & self-denying potential writer extraordinaire to another: I know whereof I speak.

I'm not one to be overly generous in my praise - I'm being honest.

Maybe I'm just a biased Anglophile/lover of wry, miserable Brit humor... but ever since I discovered your blog, I've found myself sitting in my office procrastinating my own writing all afternoon because I'm too entertained reading yours.

Seriously, don't underestimate Hollywood's love of mundane misery as comedy. We're all living it - that's why it's funny. And a goldmine!

OK, enough pep-talking from me..

Anonymous said...

Sod 'em. You've got ginger hair. That makes you brill.

Peach said...

Chin up fweng - and don't apologise - your blog is your blog - do with it as you will - what better a place to splurge? Don't feel obliged to write in any way than the one you wanna write, and if you feel like a wallow, so be it...IMO

chopperbomb said...

Hey Anon. I've got ginger hair too. Does that make me "brill" aswell?

G said...

You created something that never existed before. That alone totally rocks. Besides that, American bitches are on their backs for the accent so...there ya go.
Cordially, An American Bitch.

sue said...

I agree with Peach - you shouldn't have to apologise for writing about how you feel.

I cannot think of one good reason why we wouldn't see your writing on TV or in a bookstore - that did make me cross! I'm off to have some Ben & Jerry's and watch a dvd of Curb Your Enthusiasm to cheer me up!

And you can never have a go at Jim Davidson too much.

fwengebola said...

Ang ~ Tschh. I was planning on possibly attending. Quite maybe.
BiLA ~ Well that's far too kind. It's just even my bored, ruthlessly uneventful, comi-tragic situation ain't really Hollywood. It's barely Pinewood.
Anon ~ Hooray! Although I'm actually strawberry blond.
Pee ~ Good point. Although it's miserable to read such moodiness, to be fair.
Cb ~ No.
G ~ Welcome. And I really don't understand the thrill of the accent. But it does work. Approximately 20% of my Ladyshagmiracles have been American. And by 20%, either I've been to bed with an inordinate amount of yanks, or I've had pitifully few partners in my time and a fifth only amounts to one person.
You decide.
(Actually, it's somewhere inbetween)
Sue ~ God, thank you. Dammit, I have to write something big.
Oh the pain of it all, though.

Anonymous said...

Ginger, strawberry blonde.'Tis all brill. 'ave it.

luna said...

And there we have the Anonymous Twat (you know the one I mean) desperately having us believe he's got any friends at all,and female at that,not even fictional ones on facebook,who do you think you're fooling Anonynomates Saddo.

Anonymous said...

ahem, luna......

would i lie to you, whoever you are? and besides i really don't think i'm the one that you mean, and i have absolutely no idea who you do mean.

fwengebola said...

Luna! Stoppit. Remember that these 'Anons' could be nice people and not necessarily the Anons from earlier comments of yore. Play nice.

luna said...

Then why don't you order them all to get their nick,it's getting confusing all these cowardly/lazy Anon that are not even related.

The one I mean obviously is not that benign and to top it all they're totally incoherent.

BTW yesterday your comments box was acting up.(no word verification letters)

Anonymous said...

hi luna...

*waves at luna...

my anonymity is strictly small-caps chic.