Sunday, May 20, 2007

Things I Have Learnt This Year

* If you walk onto a London tube escalator and yell at the people gormlessly standing on the left "Move over to the right folks, you're blocking the way!", some people are going to take umbrage.

* I have no imagination and can't think of anything better to do with my weekend than go to the pub. I am also intrinsically lazy, and come Saturday and Sunday, I can't summon up the energy to go for a bike ride or do something healthy.
I am beginning to envy couples.

* The only people taking umbrage over your yelling "Move over to the right folks, you're blocking the way!" on a crowded London tube escalator won't be the people who were blocking the way but a bunch of teenage Chavs who, despite standing on the right anyway, resent someone who isn't one of them being loud in public.

* I'm am not an alcoholic and am able to wait until Friday night for a drink. I am, however, an idiot, and attempt to do all the previous week's drinking in one go.

* Once you have free access on the left hand side of a London tube escalator and are able to approach said teenage Chavs who were telling you to shut up, placing your open palm on their chest and telling them firmly to calm the fuck down will make them back off very quickly.

* I have never been good with hangovers and at 33, they're not getting any easier. Just 5+ pints on a Friday, and I can kiss my Saturday goodbye.

* Teenage Chavs on a London tube escalator travel in packs. After telling one of them to calm down, there will be about eight more of the fuckers further down who want to kick your head in for making their mate look like the mouthy little coward that he is.

* Left to my own devices, I can't think of anything better than to watch telly and moan that nothing's on. This is why I haven't bought computer games for about 16 years; my childhood was wasted trying to rescue a Scientist's daughter from the Nazis, so as much as I'm tempted to buy a game, I am all to aware of the inherent sadness in spending my free time trying to achieve happiness for a bunch of computer generated characters that don't actually exist.
How the hell can anyone live with themselves, making career decisions for some pixellated images for months on end whilst doing nothing about their own sorry existence? But my God I'm tempted.

* Teenage Chavs on the London Underground will be heading further into London at around 11pm, and fortunately not out of the fucker, which is handy when you realise they want to kick your head in but aren't actually headed your way.

* If you've got dreams, aspirations, desires, and wishes, act on them. Sadly, it's far easier said than done but trust me, it ain't gonna fall into your lap.

Oh god, all this introspection can only mean one thing: I am subconsciously on the verge of quitting smoking, cutting down on weekend pissups, going on a major diet, joining a gym, and getting a better job. All the usual wrongs, coming back to be righted.

Ugh, the effort.

* UPDATE - Oh, and if you listen to your iPod while withdrawing money from a cash machine, you won't hear the damn thing beeping at you to take your card, and will have to cancel the fucker when you realise what you've done five hours later.


me said...

watch out of for those chavs.

I thought you HAD given up smoking

londongirl said...

As you say - the effort in living a clean healthy live is exhausting. And the pub's much closer. And hopefully without chavs.

la fille mariƩe said...

I seem to have lost count of the number of times you've quit smoking, Ducky. You know... if you would just have some sex, you could stop the unnecessary introspection for a while.

luna said...

Just don't talk to strangers.Ever.

Jo said...

It's worse forgetting to take your money out of the cash point. I've done that a couple of times, and luckily there's always been someone honest behind me to make me aware of the fact. It's like I just enjoy pressing the buttons or something.

elif said...

here are some things you can do while attempting to live healthily (all based on experience or observation):

-register to a sports centre and never go
-try to quit smoking and try again later
-go on a diet and yet drink a lot of beer
-decide to wake up earlier to run every morning and postpone it forever
-decide not to go to the pub for a change, get a phone call from a friend and head to the pub.
-go to the sports centre for a while, thinking about the money you pay and realise that no matter what you do, you can't get rid of the belly

good luck!

Day Dreamer said...

I had to get knocked up before I'd quit smoking. Even then it was hard.

I've left my card in the stinkin' machine more times than I've been pregnant.

(useless cheesy grin)

Will said...

I hate those fools on the left. Not in a political sense. In an escalator sense.

Angela-la-la said...

So, life is all spiffing then? Good, lovely, moving swiftly along.


Anonymous said...

Mate, you NEVER do any of these things - you just talk about them - much the same as I do. And the fact is you never will. How many times have you given up smoking now, this year alone?

Just keep smoking and doing all the bad habits and say 'fuck it'. That's what I'm doing.

-Nothing Man

S said...

Still hating the earth eh?...and you're still sounding down in the dumps.

Rite - enuff's enuf.'s you're mission (should you wish to accept it)

Tomorrow you have to interact with 4 people you dont know.
You should smile at 3, and say Hi to 1.

Go on - dare ya!

luna said...

She dared you Fweng!You've been dared!In the eyes!

British Gal Does Tokyo said...

And all four of them have to be chavs.

fwengebola said...

me ~ Nope, still smoke. It's like some kind of addiction.
LG ~ But why does it have to be so exhausting? It's so easy and cheaper being a slob.
LFM ~ 'Just have some sex' - you make it sound like I'm buying a latte.
Luna ~ But the strangers barked at me.
Jo ~ Hullo Jo, welcome. Going to a machine to get money, pressing all the buttons, and leaving it there, that's pretty absent-minded. Congrats.
elif ~ Thank you for your advice. It's just a lot easier to do nothing and comlain. Or do something for a bit, then give up.
DD ~ So that's your solution to quitting fags? Pregnancy? I'll give it a go.
Will ~ I don't know what was worse, them on the left or everyone else queueing up behind them as no-one wanted to tell them to move to the right.
Ang ~ Yep, still pointless.
NM ~ This year I've given up smoking about 70 times. Give or take. See you for crack later?
S ~ Jesus, what??
Luna ~ I can't smile at others. Doesn't seem right.
BGDT ~ Oh I don't associate with chavs in that manner.

British Gal Does Tokyo said...

Oh, don't leave us with such a cliff-hanger. In what manner *do* you associate with chavs?

fwengebola said...

I live in Britain. It's unavoidable.