Tuesday, May 29, 2007

There May Be Trouble Ahead

When I was a kid, enamoured by Adrian Mole, I used to keep a diary. Granted, I kept a very dull diary, but I always remember my Mum complaining that I'd always cause trouble just to make my diaries more interesting. I never did, but my Mum's harsh words have sometimes caused me to pause whenever something interesting has happened to me since I started this blog.
Such as the last 17 hours.

What happened this morning was genuine, unencumbered by flights of fancy and sadly, necessary. In fact, it's probably stupid of me to relate any of this at all but I have to write it down, if only to clear my head.

It was 3:30am this morning. I was passed out unconscious in bed following the three day Bank Holiday weekend. Work was in a matter of hours.

Suddenly, techno. Loud techno. Actually, if you'll allow me, it was screamingly loud, taking the piss, Fuck all and sundry around us, we're going to crank this up to eleven industrial gabba techno.

In the past, my evil French neighbour seemed to be playing shit music at ungodly hours only for me but now, amidst this rude awakening came a frantic angry thumping from somewhere else in the nearby occupancies.

The music stopped. Then started. Then stopped again. I was by now fully dressed and about to go next door to ask why in the hell my neighbour was back to his old tricks when I'd explicitly warned him that his next 3am bedroom rave would be his last.

There was now Silence. Not even traffic noise outside. I undress and go back to bed, my ears becoming finely tuned instruments as I listen out for the next aural effrontery. But it didn't come. The birds did though, chirping an hour later as I lay there still unable to fall back to sleep. Then blue streaks of dawn came prying inquisitively through my curtains another hour later, reminding me I'd rapidly run out of sleeping time. Following his mere three minute techno selfishness, my Neighbour had left me angrily alert for two hours, unable to go to sleep because I knew what I was going to do.

7am. Radio. My head hurts through lack of sleep, and I'm furious. I'd eventually managed to fall back to sleep at around 5:30am but it wasn't nearly enough rest. I wash and dress and leave my flat.
8:30am. I walk to the neighbouring block where their front door is off its hinges, and walk up to my bastard neighbour's bedsit. There is a fusebox above their door so I switch off the electricity and hear a tinny sound abruptly stop.

I wait. My neighbour doesn't come. So after a few minutes, I bang on the door.
Footsteps, and tinkling keys.

'Oo is zis?'
We've been through this many times in the past and he knows it's me. I'm the only one who seems to confront him. For the first time, he doesn't want to open up.

'Let me in.'

'Oo is zis?'
'Open the door!'

A pause.

'Oo's zis?'

Without really considering what I was doing, I take two steps back then ram into the door. It was borne more out of anger than anything else, yet the barge ended up being hard enough to snap the lock from its frame and break the door wide open. My neighbour yells in shock and falls over. He had been right behind the damn thing, craning his ear to it.

So now I'm in. I didn't really know what I'm doing other than breaking and entering but I have a vague idea, having been in his pit of a room in the past, telling him off on previous occasions. Neighbour follows me into his bedroom. He watches me as I grab a speaker and yank the leads out the back.
'Where's the other speaker?' I snap.
'Zere isn't one.'
Looking around, I find it, plus two older and larger speakers that aren't being used. I snap more leads out. I only have a vague idea what I'm doing, and it's along the lines of walking out with these implements of my despair.
'Can you be quiet? My friend is azleep.'

I look at the bed. Lying prone in the darkness is his roommate, remarkably - or perhaps unremarkably considering their boozing and joints - out cold. I ignore him. There are now four large speakers I've piled up in centre of the room. Neighbour walks over and puts his hands out in an attempt to stop me but I'm in the midst of controlled anger.

'Don't!' I pause to bark, an accusatory index finger pointing right at him. And then I kneel down and pick up two loudest, newest looking speakers and walk out.

'Hey!' says the Neighbour. 'Hey!'

I walk downstairs.

'What are you doing? Hey!' He follows me.

'Fuck off.' I snap.

A Polish resident from the flat below is leaving for the day and is walking ahead of me, grinning. He knows why I'm here and what this is all about.

'3am', I snap at him as if that's all that needs to be said, and we all head outside.

'Hey!' says the neighbour as I walk through the wide open front door, genuinely having no idea what I'm about to do. So I stop. I was going to walk off to work and decide what to do with the speakers on the way but as I see a wall, I change my mind instantly.

Raising a speaker above my head, I hurl it at the wall and smash the unit. It's sturdy as hell and only splinters slightly, so I pick it up and throw it again. Seeing a nearby shelf leg, I pick it up and thrust it into the bass cone. Satisfied that it will no longer sound pleasant enough to play music quietly let alone at full volume, I pick up the second speaker and aquaint it with the bricks, and with the shelf leg.

'Zank you,' says my neighbour sarcastically. 'But what about zis?'
He points to his forehead. When I barged the door open and inadvertently made contact with his head, it had left him bleeding. It was a tiny superficial wound, more a dot than anything gushing, but it was accidental. In the melee, it transpired that all I really cared about was rending his music totally and utterly mute beyond 10pm and now that job was done. Hopefully.

I approached him. I was totally controlled but well aware that this wasn't sporting behaviour. I don't like confrontation at the best of times, and this had been fairly confrontational. My voice was shaking through the shock and exertion of it all.

'I warned you,' I said as calmly as I could to his face. 'I damn well warned you that this would happen, and now your speakers are fucked.'
His face contorted. If he was going to take me on, it would be now, but he didn't do anything but grimace.
'If this ever happens again', I said, 'you're next.'

This was total rubbish, of course. Despite the the door/ head issue, it was never my intention to hurt him. Destroying those speakers ended up being vigilante justice enough but beating him up? That's blind thuggery. That's another world. That's really not me.


No small measure of panic.

Too tired.

Really ratty.

By the time I get back to my satellite London town, I sense that this issue may be over.

I walk into the newsagents on the high street we all live above to try and gauge what's been happening. The newsagent claims not to have heard anything, but he knows I kicked a neighbour's door in.
'How do you know it was me?' I ask, genuinely intrigued, but now the newsagent is stuttering and worried about what he may give away.
Oh no, please, not me, I'm not one of those guys. I'm a normal Joe! I'm like Michael Douglas in 'Falling Down', but without the guns or the actual mental issues. Sensing I might be scaring the newsagent, I leave to go home.
And then, as I walk out, three burly policeman walk past me and into the next door restaurant. I watch as the coppers walk through to the kitchen at the back, the kitchen that leads onto the alley where I live, where I had earlier hurled speakers at walls.



I'm not going home. No way.

So I keep walking until I get to a pub. And there I stay, nursing an unwanted yet nerve steadying pint and sending frantic texts for an hour, until I'm sure that any statement taking policemen, if indeed that's what they were doing, have gone.

I go home. No-one's outside, so I run upstairs and into the safety of my flat where I'm typing this frantically.

And that, your Honour, is exactly what happened. I'm really sorry. I was pushed.


mogginic said...

had the same problem a few neighbours ago. wish i had been ballsy enough to do what you did. keep your head down, it will blow over eventually (the guy is probably way too fucking scared to go any further).

Peach said...

hope you're ok - have sent you an email

Angela-la-la said...

Ok, I forgive you for not answering your email seeing as you were busy exacting justice the East End way.

A job in Noise Abatement awaits you, obviously.

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

We'll visit you in prison. Do you want us to make the 'Free Fwengy' t'shirts?

la fille mariƩe said...

Oh ducky. We do need to work on how angry you become when you're fatigued. Blog first, not after... that will help dissipate some of the rage. Trust me.

luna said...

Left a comment,didn't go through...

Jo said...

Don't spend time writing a statement...just print off this page of blog and tack it to your front door. That way you'll get them to read your side of the story, plus see other posts proving you're not mental and actually quite coherant, and might gain a couple more readers in the process.

Z said...

Three policemen? Wow.

I think you might need your blog as evidence of provocation.

Anonymous said...

Phwooar. Manly......

me said...

well done. FIngers crossed that it ends there.

luna said...

Very strange that my post didn't go through.

Is this story for real or were you just fantasizing you acted out your vendetta??
Tell me it's only a dream??

You can tell the truth and turn yourself in, but you'll probably get arrested in the process.
Don't worry,you'll plead extreme provocation and they'll understand,as the "victim" is French.

If noone saw you you can deny everything,it's your word against his.Well,they'd better not find your blog.Or they'd see that you threatened him with gbh.

You can also grab your passport and flee to Spain.I'm afraid it's even more noisy over there,Ibiza and such.

Blimey,Fweng.Go easy on the boozing.You are very irritable.

My recommendation is sending BigFlatmate as a negotiator to offer verbal apologies and replacement (bought on ebay)in exchange for dropping of complaint.

Has the Force returned to your dwellings?
Are you growing a beard?
Are you gonna do community service in Marigolds like Naomi Campbell or
go down like Paris Hilton?
Gee,you're more and more people.

Hope someone can post in the comments what is happening.

Vodka is NOT rescue remedy!!!!

Can someone post what is happening ??We are on tenterhooks.

Day Dreamer said...

Oh, fuck! You CAN blog from the clink, right?

Well done! I'd never have done that......and I can tell ya I was waiting for you to say 'then I woke up'....

Sean said...

Well Done. Frenchie had it coming.

Anonymous said...

I would ignore all of the comments from Luna if I were you. Vodka is a great remedy for most ills in my experience and as for turning yourself in.....

I wouldn't have been so understanding his speakers would have been the least of your neighbours worries.

I am sure you will not be charged with anything and I speak from experience here. Don't worry be happy (unless of course the music starts again...)
Commendable behaviour is what I say. Keep up the good work.

fwengebola said...

Mogginic ~ Welcome. Well, my head has been down, and nothing has happened. I am now officially an untouchable gangsta. Spelt like that.
Peach ~ Thank you, P. I will log on to it in a mo.
Ang ~ I'm a geezah now, darlin'.
Vi ~ Keep it. I ain't doin' no bird. There ain't a place big enough for the likes a me, anyways.
LFM ~ But the point is, he could've done what he promised on my last visit and stopped playing his music loud after a certain point. Now he's got no speakers. Well, he's down to the tune of two.
Jo ~ Welcome Jo> Though I doubt coherence is a suitable defence in court, I don't think it's going that far.
Z ~ Fanciful thinking/ Paranoia on my part. Three large policemen were probably there to arrest a double parked pensioner.
Anon ~ You want some? Eh? I'm tasty!
Etc, again.
me ~ My fingers are in splints with all the crossing I've been doing lately.
Lune ~ Real. Very. I'm not saying anything until I'm asked. And nor am I denying anything. Don't know where you got the boozing inference from though. In fact I am a very pleasant drunk. Or at least I don't go mental. Ironically, had I been drunk and he woke me up, I probably wouldn't have done anything to him or his speakers as I'd've known I was drunk and would've wanted to sleep on it. Providing there was no techno.
DD ~ The day I start making up posts is the day I give up blogging. Probably not long now.
Sean ~ Thank you Sean, but although he is indisputably French, lets not point angry, leave your speakers alone fingers at him for being French. His actions rightly justify him a twot.
Anon ~ Thank you for that. Are you one of the Kray associates?

sue said...

Hope you are OK. How do you feel about it now?

And I was still reeling from those twins on Big Brother saying that they didn't understand people who spoke in "dictionary language". Am I missing something?

fwengebola said...

Better. Much, much better. I have been trying to avoid my neighbour but in all likelihood, he's trying to avoid me.
Those twins said that? Ugh, dammit, this society. Ugh, ugh, ugh. Vacuous. There's one for them. They can look it up when they get out.

Tim Clague said...

what a vicious and unpleasant man you are - to be avoided at all costs...

Wam Bam Thank You Spam said...

That thing what Tim Clague said above is the most sensible, commendable thing I've ever read on here. Not that that's saying much though.

luna said...

Can you believe my SA neighbour has been impersonating the landlord posting notices off his computer on the loo door announcing "this is a public toilet by order the landlord",I'm sure ldlrd has nothing to do with it as he's computer illiterate and always signs by hand,also the twat mispelt the lanlord's name !!!lol

Honestly it would be riproaring if the bully wasn't so scary...

Why was I talking about that?

Oh yes: cowardly anonymous thugs, mispellings,bet your anonymous is from good old Afrikaner stock too!
If not I advise him to move there asap!

Anyways,why don't you publish your stalker's IP Fweng we'll send him some love.

elif said...

damn, do you think he told the police you threatened him saying "you're next" and he is concerned about his safety and stuff to make a bigger deal out of it? it would have been better if you called the police and told them about his music and how he always does that no matter how many times you told him not to. yeah well what's done is done, hopefully there won't be a big problem. it's unbelievable how you broke the door open, maybe you DID go to the sports centre after all. yay for healty life.

londongirl said...

Hope you are ok. I had really noisy neighbours a while back and it REALLY wound me up. Not enough to smash someone else's speakers, of course, but that's because I'm a wimp. May the story get round and all the noisy buggers shut up. There's one living opposite me now if you're needing target practice...

George said...

Thank you for doing your part against the meddlesome surrendering cheese-eating monkeys or whatever they are called. You are a patriot.

Clarissa said...

You made me chuckle. Maybe the cops will be as easily charmed. ;-)

Boris said...

Good for you. Anyone who is as inconsiderate as that deserves to have their speakers smashed up.

If you ever want to sample life up north, we have some loud neighbours who could do with a good thrashing.


Lucinda Larkham said...

Well done. You might consider ditching your bag job for a career as neighborhood vigilante. I certainly would pay handsomely for such a service!

British Gal Does Tokyo said...

"'If this ever happens again', I said, 'you're next.'"
How impressively...manly of you.
Even more so since it is rubbish (and I picture you as six years old).
Would you consider a contract? My noisy neighbors need threatening.

fwengebola said...

TG ~ Alright Claguey? Welcome. And thank you for your kind words, although I know you are basing a fair amount of your assessment on the dubious pleasure of having met me.
So cheers.
WBTYS ~ Thanks for that.
Luna ~ It has transpired that my stalker is officially a young man in Boston. Called Mark. With a gimp fetish.
elif ~ I'm not surprised the door broke that easily.
a) It was rotten and flimsy and b) I'm a fat bastard.
LG ~ All's ok now, thank you LG. And I am astonished at the number of commentators who want me to kick more doors.
George ~ A patriot? Really? Well, perhaps scaring the French is a tad patriotic. I think I'll shave my head and threaten some more minorities. Which technically includes me.
Clarissa ~ Unlikely. The Laughing Policemen, they ain't.
Boris ~ £40 to break a door down, £60 to steal speakers and smash them. Travel expenses included, £5 per vulgar threat.
LL ~ I could combine the two and threaten anyone who comes into the shop. Actually, I'd like that.
BGDT ~ I have gained a further 27 years since that photo was taken. Please see my tariff above. Alternatively, post your neighbours my kiddie pic and tell them I'm coming after them.

luna said...

I know about your stalker,i.e he's my neighbour's new convict faced boyfriend, the old one was a bit girly.

They are the thug team.

Their natural habitat is Londontown not London,they took the wrong plane.

luna said...

P.S. Remember I booked you first for an acid bath,O.K.?
Same rate as before.(It was before you got your qualifications)

fwengebola said...

For that proper Haigh acid bath, I'd probably need to do a spot of dismembering beforehand, but I'd best leave that up to you. I'm a bit squeamish carving up chicken.