Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Petition Tony

Ever since some twot somewhere in Whitehall thought it would be a good idea to consult the British public on anything, the greatest website in the world can now be found here.

People can now petition Tony Blair on important matters of the day, such as this rant by a whinging moron (I've got my blog, in case you were wondering): "We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to Ban cyclists from using 'FLASHING' lights at night."
Yeah, cheers for trying to criminalise my attempts to NOT GET RUN OVER AND KILLED because it gives you a headache, you ignorant twatcan. And it's only a slight geeky consolation on my part that you mis-spelled 'Cyclists' in the URL.

By far the most entertaining thing about this site is the 'Rejected Petitions' section. If anything can serve as a tonic against the righteous rablings of some ('Prohibit The Sale Of Fireworks To The Public', 'Promote caving and potholing as our national sport'), then it's these petitions that were rejected as irrelevant or stupid. Shame, really. Here's what we all could've petitioned Tony on (and still be ignored anyway)...

* Resign ASAP
(There are dozens like these.)

* Ensure that at least one of his children joins the army and fights in Iraq.

* Publically acknowledge 9/11 as an inside Job and request that the USA get a public inquiry.

* Sing "We're Going To Hang Out The Washing On The Siegfried Line" through a megaphone while standing in a barrel of custard outside the Houses of Parliament.

* Accept that Tuesdays are boring and should be replaced by Fridays instead.

* Insist that Mr. Mark Gary Banham of Aylesbury, Buckinghamshire, wash more frequently than once a year.

* Make me a cup of tea.
(Detail: "I'd quite like a cup of tea, so purpose this petition is to get the Prime Minister to make me, the petition creator a cup of tea."
This petition has been rejected because: It was outside the remit or powers of the Prime Minister and Government.)

* Give British citizens the indemnity to slap one traffic warden a year.

* Persuade Graham Coxon to rejoin Blur.

* Invade France.

* Make 'Being A Member of U2' an arrestable offence.

* Change 'Holloway Road' North London to 'Chuck Norris Road'.

* Stop denying that he dyes his hair.

* Is dave there? Hello dave... can i use your toilet, dave?

* Ban Football.

* Rid Our Streets of Chavs Once and for All.

* Bring dragons out of hiding.

* Make arson legal.

* Make Bill buy a round.

* Stop John Padfield playing football due to him being so fat.

* Stop these pointless internet petitions.

* Pronounce 1st August 'National David Hasslehoff Day'.

* Sell Great Britain to the Arabs.

* Demand that Chris Moyles is removed from Radio One.

Remarkably, 'Replace the national anthem with 'Gold' by Spandau Ballet' got in. So far 6,589 people have signed.
Right, I'm going to stop this. There are 8,000 more rejected petitions to read and I'm sat here giggling like a Japanese schoolgirl. I think I'd better go away and do something more constructive.


chopperbomb said...

This was inspired by me sending you that link about petitioning against the replacement of all glass pints with platic ones wasn't it? Glad to have been of help. Maybe some of your World-wide fame will rub off on me?

londongirl said...

Brilliant. I forsee hours of wasted time spent on the website. Which tony will interpret as support of his gov.

Angela-la-la said...

I'm gonna petition Tony to make you join us on the next blogblast ;-)

sue said...

I am worried that I agree with some of these.
Happy Birthday.

fwengebola said...

CB ~ Yes it was, mate. And what world-wide fame?
LondonGirl ~ That man could interpret a punch in the face as confirmation of a job well done.
Ang ~ But will he listen??
Sue ~ OMG. How did you know it was my birthday? I hadn't posted my latest whinge about it when you commented!

sue said...

It's nothing sinister! You wrote the date on here and I just remembered it. Don't worry, I'm far too lazy to stalk anyone.

fwengebola said...


Anonymous said...

cant ban footy fwen, sorry,

fwengebola said...

Not my suggestion Wayne, but some other freak.