Saturday, May 05, 2007

It's My Birthday And I'll Sit Wallowing In My Pit Of Self Despair If I Want To

25 years ago today, I was one very excitable eight-year-old, jumping up and down and thrilled shitless at being another year older, on my way to reaching the magical double-numbered ten.
24 years ago to the day, I'd have been a yelling, shaking, hyperactive nine-year old freakshow, jumping up and down and barking for presents like a crackhead seal eagerly slapping his flippers for his fishpipe.
23 years ago today... you get the idea.

And now, today, I am 33. I don't want to be 33. I wasn't particularly enamoured with being 32, and now I'm a whole year older and wondering how the fuck I can make this process stop.

I thought I'd be married by now, married to a beautiful wife in my large North London home with an entire football team of equally beautiful and polite children with impeccable manners and good hair who'd draw me birthday card pictures to Daddy and give me big birthday hugs, as my wife looks on with teary eyes at the impeccable bliss of it all as she strokes my head and promises me lots of birthday sex later that imaginary night.

Instead, I've regained consciousness with a vice-like hangover, next to a half-eaten bag of cheesy Doritos as a text pings in from my mate Phil. It simply reads: Birthday Cunt.

I went to the Reading Beer Festival last night with Chopperbomb, spending the latter half of the evening berating some poor bastard student who didn't want to hear it, to 'Do it now, sieze the day, live as much as you can before you turn thirty fucking three tomorrow. I've told you I'm 33 tomorrow, right? Oh sixteen times already, sorry.'

It hasn't helped my post-debauchery vibe that I did a fair bit of coke in one of their many plastic toilets. I had been offered the chance to buy some, so I did. I don't often do cocaine, and more accurately I don't often buy it because a) It's very expensive and b) It's cocaine. There is something intrinsically disturbing about snorting a line of illegal substances up your nose in a portaloo while a queue forms outside. I always sense dead grandparents nearby at times like those, watching me snort coke and saying, 'What on earth are you doing? Oh, you were such a nice boy. What happened? And why can't you be in Paris now? I like Paris.'

But taking cocaine doesn't make me a bad person. I'm not a bad person. I'm just a shmuck taking recreational drugs in the belief that it will perk me up and make me a bit happier. And I didn't go wild eyed or foam at the mouth. It's just like a shot of espresso, except very illegal, and snorted nasally in a stinking plastic toilet in Berkshire. Plus being illegal, the whole thing is a bit dangerous and unconventional, ooh, exciting! Because I am living on the edge. I do not subscribe to conventions and public norms. I may well be headed inexorably towards dull old age and incontinence but you can keep it because I'm a free-thinking, hardcore... oh bugger, it's worn off.

Chopperbomb and I leave the festival and grab one more drink in a half-empty rocker's pub. And then we go our separate ways. Once home, I check to see properly how much coke I've got left in the privacy of my room. And then I discover something you don't see in the movies. My pathetic miniscule parcel of remaining charlie has turned into a sticky gluelike substance, very un-powdery, and extremely unusable. Thinking that moisture has crept into it, I stick it in the oven to dry it out, but it bubbles away and makes me think of heroin being heated and I feel slightly shamed at my attempts to revive drugs. The cocaine has now solidified into a hard clump so I roll it into a thin tube out of boredom and decide against sticking it up anywhere. My remaining £25 of shallow happiness rendered into a tiny greying worm. I throw it into the bin.

Drugs, legal or illegal, serve one purpose, and one purpose only, and that is to Cheer people the Fuck Up. And if it isn't doing that, you need to sit down and have a good long think.

But it's my birthday, dammit! I can't do anything about getting older and older and older. But I can go out and make the most of this extended weekend.

Salutations everyone, have a great time.

Oh, and don't do drugs.


Anonymous said...

Allow me to be the first (well, here, anyhow) to wish you many happy returns. Happy birthday, ducky, with emphasis on happy.

Don't do drugs. Unless they actually make you happy. Seems rather pointless otherwise.

actonb said...

Yeah, I was particularly enamoured of turning 33... but y'know, I've survived 6 months of it so far, and
it's no worse than 32. Which I guess is the problem.

The positive thinking not working so well?

Oh Crap - my grey hairs are now getting long enough to just fall out - see? that's what the whole family/house/domesticity does to you: Grey frigging hair.

Sorry - that was random, but one literally fell across my keyboard as I typed.

Happy Birthday. I really really really hope it gets better. Honestly.

Angela-la-la said...

*whistles 'the drugs don't work'*

For the purposes of this comment, alcohol is not a drug.

Big, pink happies to you, darling x

Angela-la-la said...

Ooh, you got shortlisted for POTW! It's like a little birthday pressie from the interweb.

londongirl said...

Happy Birthday.

I know all about the expectations of age - I fully thought I'd be married with kids by now too (31, swiftly approaching 32) and at least you have biology on your side.

I hope the celebrating goes a bit better from now on...

luna said...

Omigod I forgot your birthday!!!
Sorrysorrysorry I was lost in sexblogland (yeah on a Saturday night,says it all)oops


You are 33 today (well yesterday) the age Jesus died on the cross,and may this 34th year bring you good health,success and sex as per your wishes.
With a little help from your bloggerfriends whom you neglected to invite on your big Bday bash.(bit selfish of you if you don't mind me saying so)

Anyway which beer's a winner?

And I see what you mean about Chaz.
Ages ago when I was offered a chance to make his acquaintance I asked one of his best mates what he was like and he said the same you did word for word.
So I didn't bother in the end,fancy blowing a week's foodbudget when a pineapple/kiwi smoothie gives the same amount of pep...
Why these addicts don't shoot up vitC in their groinveins if manic energy's what they're after ??

Shame about the wast of good coke,but wasted for wasted why don't you try sticking it in your back passage it will dissolve straight into your bloodstream like a medical whatsitsname,I bet it'll work and to think I'm the first one to think of it and I don't even touch caffeine lol ,should make for an interesting blogpost at any rate.

Didn't you just write quote you live on the edge,you're into hardcore and such and surely there are no conventions in doing drugs??

tell everyone you're 35 and next year you'll feel young celebrating your 34th,what did your mum get you?

luna said...

P.S.Londongirl, "biology on your side" well it depends on your point of view!

Shoshana said...

Happy Birthday! I hope that today is the worst day of your year, and will only get better from here.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Fweng.....

Don't feel bad, 33 is just a number, you're 100001 in doesn't mean much.

Have a lovely weekend and dance while you can xxx

Peach said...

Happy Birthday Funny Fweng

Glad you made the short list - see I wasn't the only one thinking how funny you were...

You could have rubbed that moist coke into your gums you know, not as nice, tastes like shit, but woulda got you high for your cash...

Feel good, as that's what you are, drugs or no drugs


me said...

happy birthday.

oh dear. soggy coke... that is very sad, but funny.

Anonymous said...

This year I shall be 10 years older than you.



Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Should have bombed the coke in a drink. Not that I know what I'm talking about. Happy B day. Same day as my oldest son!

fwengebola said...

LFM ~ Thank you for the birthday wishes. And I will now only do drugs when already happy. Defeats the point somewhat, but screw it.
Act ~ It's getting better already. I'm not grey.
Although I am strawberry blond, which in many ways is worse.
Ang ~ No, alcohol is not a drug as it is legal and has no debilitating effects whatsoever... Yes, I heard about the POTW. Didn't win though. Still, babysteps.
LG ~ Many thanks, LG. And anyone who says 'Age is just a number' with a smile on their face is going to get it.
Luna ~ Jesus, another essay. Thank you. And sexblogland???
Excellent, I've outlived Jesus. I recommend a German cherry beer draft called Echte Kirche, very pleasant.
I am not sticking anything up my bottom.
Mum got me a digital radio. Hooray.
Shosh ~ Good point. It wasn't that bad but it's all about trying to fulfil high expectations.
And thank you.
Is ~ Oh look, you've said 'Age is just a number'. If I was born on a leap year, I'd only just be eight. Wait, that's a lot of leap years. Oh GOD.
Peach ~ Thank you too. I didn't realise I'd been shortlisted until you mentioned it. Don't think I can be compared to drugs. Except I'm bad for you too.
me ~ It wasn't funny when you realise it's cost you £50 to ruin.
Anon/ Lady ~ Good point. There's always someone older.
Vi ~ I don't think I could've bombed it. It got quite hard and probably indegestible. Lucky son, May 5th rocks. Just ask Karl Marx.

Huw said...

Got yerself a bit of baking soda and a splash of water, bunged it in the microwave for a minute in some tuppawear with the moist coke, and you'd have had some crack. Then you'd have been laughing. And then crying. And then pacing.

Anonymous said...

Is this weekly now?

How about updating your blog?

fwengebola said...

Huw ~ I''m sure that if all it took to make crack was a microwave - oh, and some coke - then London's financial district would have collapsed by now.
Good old crack. *Sniff*
Anon ~ Yeah, yeah, yeah. Two new posts. Happy?

Joie de Vivre said...

I can't stop commenting, you are too funny! I think you just through away crack, prob worth a fortune, but im pleased you didnt go searching for a needle ... you are class! ;-)

Happy birthday, sorry I'm late.

And from the texts you share with us that you get from friends, I think they love you very much, cunt. ahhh, thats nice.

fwengebola said...

Thank you. Wish I hadn't thrown away half a gram of coke, but then part of me is proud I'd bucked the trend and binned it. Having said that, I did try to smoke it first but it strangely smelt of mint, and I didn't get high anyway.
It had to go.