Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Even Hitler had a girlfriend

...and by all accounts, he was a bit of a psychopathic murdering fuckhead. It didn't stop an entire nation of mad busty frauleins dribbling all over him either.

Now take Ekaterina Svanidze, the charming young bride of a chap called Joseph Dzhugashvili, or Stalin to his mates. Apparently, when Ekaterina died only four years into their marriage, he declared that any warm feelings he had for humanity died with her. A bit of an understatement as he went on to kill millions, yet that didn't stop him GETTING ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND (his second wife Nadezhda, who shot herself dead. Stalin was probably a bit hard to live with.)

Saloth Sar, sounds like a Bond villain, and he pretty much was. Better known as Pol Pot, like Stalin, Mr Pot had two wives. It is not documented if he ever called the kettle 'black'. But it is widely documented that he killed between 1 to 2 million of his own people for being intellectual instead of poor. Despite this murderous dating setback, at least two women thought Pot - and I hate myself for this - was Hot.

Vlad the Impaler, ruler of what is now Romania, and inspiration for Bram Stoker's Dracula. In those days before Reality TV, Vlad had to entertain himself by having horses stretch mens legs apart in order that well oiled and thick stakes could be inserted slowly up their rectums until it emerged from their mouths.
Yet still, women liked him; two said 'I do'.
Although possibly at spear point.

Osama Bin Laden apparently has five wives and, unlike the above, has them all at once. Although hopefully not now as he's probably dead, with a bit of luck.

Fred West, had Rosemary. Ok, she looks like Rosemary West, but still.

And then there's me; Male, 33, GSOH (slightly). Likes long walks in the park, movies, intelligent conversation, and absolutely won't kill unless provoked.

And what have I got? Nothing.

Nuh-thing.

19 comments:

Ordinary Girl said...

There's just no accounting for taste! Or lack of it!

luna said...

Does that mean you're primping your weapons for a spot of serial killing in a bid to turn your luck around?

If you are can you please come round my house and massacre all my nuisance neighbours and I PROMISE I'll give you a kiss (on the cheek).

I mean it's a start isn't it.

Joie de Vivre said...

I'm in the same place at the moment, ive been getting jealous of fat ugly folk on the bus, who at least have a wedding ring on their finger. revolting. now, listen up strawberry, you could have a girlyfriend if you wanted, you choose to be single cos you havent met the right one. you so couldve played the NY ex (when she was last in london) and 'fooled' yourselves you were in a relationship. but, fuck that, that is being in a relationship for the sake of it. and nowt is worth that, you couldnt do it. you are too smart.

btw - you missed "hates the earth, one country at a time" off the dating statement/last para.

sounds trite, but i think you will meet someone you deserve, who deserves you and can keep up with your quick wit and bike rage.

Joie de Vivre said...

great, i havent felt jealous of hitler or pol pot for ages, and now i cant get them outta my head.

ps. i like to call my pot 'black, and i never call my kettle.

Peach said...

FWENG! you can *properly* console yourself that as you're so hot and brainy and funny and cool it's only a matter of time...

stephen with a ph said...

Think I'll start a murder spree...

Shoshana said...

Yeah, I like to blame my singledom on the fact that I'm too nice. Right, I'm sure that's it - because, after all, my selfish, not so nice, friends all manage to get themselves hitched up. Hmmmm...

la fille mariƩe said...

Um. It's not that you're too nice. You're just too damned fussy.

Angela-la-la said...

Ne'mind. S'long as you've got yer elf.

British Gal Does Tokyo said...

Even mass murderers need love.
They attracted partners because the women were 'Into Denial.' (I have nothing against Denial. Who would want to live in reality when we can convince ourselves of far more pleasant alternatives?)
In the case of, for example, the Mrs Pots, Denial was along the lines of:
"I am not sure Pot-kins actually killed 1 million people, and anyway, he is very good at beach volleyball."*
*a little known, but true fact.
How about:
"He may hate the earth, but he has perfectly pearly pearlies"

elif said...

maybe chicks dig the psycho type? i mean girls were drooling all over ted bundy the serial killer. yeah hitler had a girlfriend in spite of being a sick bastard and having that ridiculous haircut & moustache. pff i don't know... as for me, the guys i would like all seem to have disappeared or found a girlfriend. i'll try my luck elsewhere.

it's not like you are constantly rejected or anything, i think it's more about finding a match being hard. keep on digging :)

funny sparky said...

All the girls love a bad boy!

isabelle said...

it'll happen when you least expect it...

fwengebola said...

OG ~ Exactly. And I'm tasteless. Yet still nothing on the horizon.
Luna ~ 'Primping'? Interesting adjective there. But nitpicking aside, yes, I will kill all your neighbours in return for a peck on the cheek.
JDV ~ Oh I'm not smart, that's just a carefully constructed ruse to get hot chicks. And 'Fat, ugly folk' need people too. At least that's what I keep telling myself.
Peach ~ Hooray! Thanks, ducks. Clearly my intricate web of shame here is working.
SWAPh ~ It's clearly the only way. Perhaps you could run for PM, then you won't even be jailed for it.
Shosh ~ I don't think it's so much 'being nice' that's our problem, but not being noticable enough.
LFM ~ Oh god, you're right. My friend said that to Large Northern Flatmate the other day. I'm doomed then.
Ang ~ Actually, my 'elf is slipping. Probably his little footwear.
BGDT ~ Pol Pot was not a good beach volleyballist. (Was he?) And if Cambodia was landlocked, I'd definitely not believe you.
elif ~ Yeah, but Ted Bundy wasn't too bad looking, in that he had that dark look that women seem to like. Too dark, as it would transpire. God, I'm going to have to join a singles club like my sister did, and my Dad, when he was single.
Ugh.
FS ~ Welcome, Sparky. Why is that? What is it about bad boys? And does it follow that by being really bad, you're even more desirable? Surely not.
Is ~ But I've been least expecting anything to happen for years now, and nothing's happened!

luna said...

DEAL !!!:) (bring a lot of bin bags)

sue said...

I am sure you will meet someone who will appreciate your wit and intelligence. Failing that, I see Jodie Marsh is advertising for a husband. Interested?

Day Dreamer said...

I'm on the verge of offering up my beautiful sister who is a nurse who has a thing for Boris...

Except that she *is* a part time smoker and that won't help your cause....

What happens when you do finally get laid? No aftersex smoke? That'll suck....

I used to grade the sex on the amount of smokes we had to have after...

luna said...

Sue,you're genius.

www.marryjodiemarsh.com

Comedy aplenty there

fwengebola said...

Lune ~ Have you got a large bath? I'll bring my own acid.
Sue ~ Ah, Jodie Marsh, the dating world's suicide bomber. She can turn the most rampaging heterosexual male gay just by living.
DD ~ You're offering me your sister? Ok, ta. I've had co-dependent smoking partners before too. Fun.
Lune ~ Seen it before. It's hideous and threatening.