Too brief to warrant their own posts, too stupid not to mention, these stories are particularly sad and pathetic. I'm afraid they won't endear myself to anyone. You have been warned.
In no particular order:
14 ~ I once formed the unsettling thought that I'd exposed myself. I let this gnawing feeling fade into insignificance until a year or so later when, apropos of nothing, Hippy Dave casually informed me of the time he'd come home from a gruelling nightshift, whereupon I'd run in, dropped my jeans and waved my genitalia about yelling, ‘Waheey, it's my penis!’
I then went into my bedroom and passed out.
His girlfriend may or may not have been in the room at the time. I can’t remember.
13 ~ I once fell down the stairs, crashed through a pair of doors, and into a crowded nightclub.
12 ~ Years ago, I went to see the tremendously dull Arrested Development, nearly running over the old bloke from the band when I tried to park my car. Once inside and sat at the back as the supporting band were playing their set, their enthusiastic lead singer yelled, 'Put your hands together!' so I gave them a warm round of applause thinking they were about to get off. Everyone else merely clapped in time like they were supposed to.
Despite the fact that few people spotted me being awkward (apart from the cute girl sitting next to me), I often recall this complete lack of concert knowledge with a fair amount of disgust.
11 ~ I needed to record some background ambiance for this radio play I had to do as a student. So I found this legal lecture and, not wanting to walk in and interrupt them, I opened the door slightly and stuck the microphone in. Sadly, the whole theatre could see me through the glass door and were kind enough to point me out to the lecturer. She flung the door open and yelled, 'What the hell do you think you're doing?', at which point I realised how suspicious I looked, so I ran off. The lecturer caught up with me and in the struggle, she snapped my necklace. I was told to write a letter of apology to her.
10 ~ Another University tale. My family come down one weekend to take me out to lunch. I obliged, even if I've only just had my first real taste of independence and feel conspicuously awkward having to relinquish a bit of it. Back at my flat, and with four surly flatmates trying to watch TV, my Mum departs by yelling 'Goodbye my little Honey-Bunny!'
The mocking I got from one flatmate in particular became downright hostile.
9 ~ I once took the afternoon off work, travelled to South London, removed most of my clothes, and stood in the corner of a room to be filmed turning 360° on the spot and yelling, "I am Boris Becker."
I didn't get the lookalike's job.
8 ~ ~ I once went to a job interview many summers ago. I had gained a tremendous amount of weight and looked like a prize-winning pumpkin that talked. The company (ironically) specialised in sports programmes, so I thought a polo shirt, tracksuit bottoms, and trainers would do, having convinced myself that I’d seem really good at my job if I didn’t even bother dressing up for it.
Once I’d walked a mile in midday sun to get there, I’d asked for a fan to be blasted at my fat head for the duration of the interview.
And when I was asked how I coped with demanding people, I laughed nonchalantly as I sat back in the chair.
‘Ha!’ I began. ‘That won’t be a problem. You see, I've worked with some real wankers.’
I didn't get the job.
7 ~ Urinating with colossal shame and self-loathing in one of the quieter walkways at Tottenham Court Road tube station. Then looking up and seeing a CCTV camera pointed right at me.
6 ~ I once met up with an old schoolfriend I hadn't seen in 20 years, and got included in his round-robin emails. One day, one of his emails prompted a flurry of replies from people I didn't know. For some reason, I felt compelled to write back ‘I’m busy at work, and if you don’t take me off this list immediately, I will be forced to bombard you all with hardcore bestiality porn.’
This was taken seriously by absolutely everyone, including my friend’s Auntie who emailed me personally to call me sick and depraved, while others threatened to report me to the police.
Needless to say, I no longer keep in touch with that particular schoolfriend even though, on that night we’d first met up, I’d drunkenly announced to a member of the public on the tube home that we hadn’t seen each other since school.
She’s now his wife.
5 ~ I once woke up one morning, croaked “Fuck” for no reason as is my habit on regaining consciousness, and jutted my arse out of the bed to ferociously break wind. Then I coughed coagulated smoker’s phlegm loose from my throat, and scratched my nuts before closing my eyes to return to sleep.
It was then that I remembered I hadn't gone to bed alone the night before.
I peered down from my single bed. Lying on the floor where there was more room and less kicking from fat, flailing limbs was my unimpressed then-girlfriend. She’d heard everything, and I'd farted over her face to boot.
4 ~ I once drunkenly bought cocaine off a random London street dealer. I got home and opened the wrap to discover I'd paid £50 for half a polo mint. It wasn't even a whole one.
3 ~ I once was sat outside a pub one gorgeous summer’s day, when a passer-by stopped dead in her tracks and stared at me in astonishment.
‘Oh god, it’s you, isn't it?’
‘What are you doing here?’
‘Look, I know who you think I am, but I'm not.’
‘Yes you are.’
‘No I'm not. Do I even sound German?’
‘Can I have your autograph?’
2 ~ I once spotted a fox in our garden one teenage evening. So naturally, I called the police.
That copper's voice, a mixture of incredulity and disgust, still makes me cringe with shame today.
1 ~ I once worked in television, and was stood waiting to speak to a researcher engrossed in conversation with someone else. As my mind wandered, I remembered my Dad’s old gag of gently kicking the back of my knee so my leg would give way, causing me to turn around and laugh heartily.
‘You got me there, Dad!’ I'd giggle in those glorious days of my youth.
And in a moment of madness, wanting to keep our spirits up during the working slog, I thought I'd do likewise, to the middle-aged lady I was waiting on.
So I kicked her.
For no reason.
And quite hard, it transpired.
‘WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?’ she screamed after her leg buckled so violently, she almost collapsed.
‘HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!’ she screamed, silencing three open plan offices in the process.
‘HE KICKED ME!’ she appealed to a sea of disgusted faces.
There are some things in life that cannot be reasonably explained away, no matter how hard you try. That was one of them.
I wonder if admitting all of this will somehow help me in the great scheme of things.