Embarrassing Memory Compendium

Too brief to warrant their own posts, too stupid not to mention, these stories are particularly sad and pathetic. I'm afraid they won't endear myself to anyone. You have been warned.

In no particular order:

14 ~ One day, I'd formed the unsettling thought that I'd exposed myself in public. I let this gnawing feeling fade into insignificance until a year or so later when, apropos of nothing, Hippy Dave casually informed me of the time he'd been sitting in the kitchen after finishing a gruelling nightshift, whereupon I'd run in, dropped my jeans and waved my genitalia about, yelling 'Waheey, it's my penis!'
I then went into my bedroom and passed out.
His girlfriend may or may not have been in the room at the time. I was too drunk to notice.

13 ~ Falling down the stairs, crashing through a pair of doors and into a crowded nightclub.

12 ~ Years ago, I went to see the tremendously dull Arrested Development, nearly running over the old bloke from the band when I tried to park my car. Once inside and sat at the back as the supporting band were playing their set, their enthusiastic lead singer yelled, 'Put your hands together!' so I gave them a warm round of applause thinking they were about to get off. Everyone else merely clapped in time like they were supposed to.
Despite the fact that few people spotted me being awkward (apart from the cute girl sitting next to me), I often recall this complete lack of concert knowledge with a fair amount of disgust.

11 ~ I needed to record some background ambiance for this radio play I had to do as a student. So I found this legal lecture and, not wanting to walk in and interrupt them, I opened the door slightly and stuck the microphone in. Sadly, the whole theatre could see me through the glass door and were kind enough to point me out to the lecturer. She flung the door open and yelled, 'What the hell do you think you're doing?', at which point I realised how suspicious I looked, so I ran off. The lecturer caught up with me and in the struggle, she snapped my necklace. I was told to write a letter of apology to her.

10 ~ Another University tale. My family come down one weekend to take me out to lunch. I obliged, even if I've only just had my first real taste of independence and feel conspicuously awkward having to relinquish a bit of it. Back at my flat, and with four surly flatmates trying to watch TV, my Mum departs by yelling 'Goodbye my little Honey-Bunny!'
The mocking I got from one flatmate in particular became downright hostile.

9 ~ Taking the afternoon off work last year.
Travelling to South London.
Going to an audition.
Removing most of my clothes.
Standing in the corner of a room and being filmed as I turned 360° on the spot.
Saying in a loud voice "I am Boris Becker."
Feeling very dirty.
Going home.

I didn't get the lookalike's job.

8 ~ A job interview many summers ago. I had gained a tremendous amount of weight and looked like a prize-winning pumpkin with tits. The company specialised in sports programmes, so I thought it would be fine if I turned up in a polo shirt, tracksuit bottoms and a pair of trainers. My twisted logic reasoned that if they saw I hadn't got dressed up for the interview, they'd think I was really good at my job.
I sealed my fate on two dumber counts. One was asking for a fan to be blasted at my fat head throughout the interview. The other was when I was asked, 'It gets very demanding here. How do you cope with difficult people?'
I began my response with, 'Ha! Well I've worked with some real wankers.'
I didn't get that job either.

7 ~ Urinating with colossal shame and self-loathing in one of the quieter walkways at Tottenham Court Road tube station. Then looking up and seeing a CCTV camera pointed right at me.

6 ~ Meeting up with an old schoolfriend I hadn't seen in 20 years, and getting added to his round-robin emails. One day, I received an email from him which prompted a flurry of further emails as people I didn't know 'Replied to All'. For some reason, I wrote back 'If you don't take me off this list immediately, I will bombard you all with hardcore animal pornography.'
This was taken seriously by everyone, including my old friend's Auntie who emailed me personally to call me sick and depraved. I also received warnings that I would be reported to the police.
Needless to say, that was the last contact I ever had with that old schoolfriend.

5 ~ I woke up one Saturday morning, grunted 'Fuck' at nothing in particular, and jutted my backside over the edge of the bed to ferociously break wind. Then I coughed the phlegm loose from my throat and scratched my arse.
Closing my eyes to return to sleep, I suddenly remembered that I hadn't gone to bed alone the night before.
I peered over the edge of the midget-sized mattress. Trying to sleep on the floor where there was more room lay my then-girlfriend. I'd farted into her face.

4 ~ Drunkenly buying cocaine off a street dealer many years ago. When I got home, I opened the wrap to discover I'd spent £50 on half a polo mint. It wasn't even a whole one.

3 ~ Sitting outside a pub one gorgeous summer's day, when a passer-by stopped dead in her tracks and walked over to me in astonishment.
'It's you, isn't it?'
'Erm, yes?'
'What are you doing here?'
'Look, I know who you think I am, but I'm not.'
'Yes you are.'
'No I'm not. Do I sound even remotely German?'
'Can I have your autograph?'
'No.'

2 ~ One evening, when I was a teenager, I spotted a fox in our garden. So naturally I called the police.
That copper's voice, a mixture of incredulity and disgust at wasting his time, still makes me cringe with shame even today.

1 ~ A busy production office at the BBC, waiting to speak to a cheerful fifty-something researcher with her back to me, engrossed in a conversation with someone else. I remembered my Dad's old gag of gently kicking the back of my knee so my leg would give way, causing me to turn around and laugh heartily.
'You got me there, Dad!' I'd giggle in those glorious sunny days of my youth.
And in a moment of madness, I thought I'd do likewise to the lady I was waiting to speak to, a bit of joviality to keep our spirits up during the working slog.
So I kicked her leg.
For no reason.
And quite hard, it would transpire.
'WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?' she screamed after her leg had buckled so violently she almost collapsed.
'Erm...?'
'HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!' she spat, silencing three open plan offices.
'But...'
'HE KICKED ME!' she told a sea of aghast faces.
There are some things that cannot be lightheartedly explained away no matter how much you try. This was one of them.

I wonder if admitting all of this will somehow help me in the great scheme of things.

Probably not.