Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Nothing's Update

(To be read in a dispassionate monotone):

A week at work with windy weather. Can't be bothered to cycle so spend four days on delayed tubes or buses. Didn't get into any interesting altercations or meet any cute women. Lack of excercise makes me tired and lethargic, so don't go to Martial Arts on Monday or Wednesday and am consumed by guilt. Feel fat and stupid.

Attempt to book ticket to New York but it goes wrong. Yell at poor bastards at Indian call centre when I realise price has shot up by a further £130. Re-arrange ticket for following week. Feel slightly better.

I take the day off on Friday to visit the dentist (one filling), then head off to Waterloo station. Meet Phil and Natalie, get train to Bournemouth. Train is five carriages shorter than normal as chavs have been smashing windows at Totton.
Bournemouth no warmer than London. Leave Phil and Natalie to pay my Auntie surprise visit. Her daughter, my cousin, is gravely ill, and I am accidentally drunk, a lightheadedness made more severe from the switch from friends on a train to lovely kindly Auntie in her living room. Auntie drives me to my mate Suki's, whose sofa will become bed.

Next morning, play football with old University friends and some older local men. Older local men beat us quite easily. I am castigated as the weakest link in the team and not voted Man of the Match by anyone. I did head the ball quite damatically at one point, but I also handballed twice, fouled a throw-in, and fouled the opposing striker by kicking his ankle and tripping him to the floor. Probably should've started playing football at eight, instead of 32. Knees now feel slightly wobbly and are making squish noise and hurt when I walk. Forgot to bring change of clothes. Have to shower with none of my own toiletries, and have no post-wash moisturiser. Whole shower experience lasts 40 seconds as my friends can see my nob. Called 'cunt' when I go back to changing room and ask if anyone has savlon for my grazed knee.

We go on to a dodgy pool hall to watch England underperform against Israel, which suits me as I'm not sure who to support. Am the only person on the planet happy with a nil-nil draw. Now drunk. Play pool. Am surprisingly Better Than Normal and manage to pot a ball with the cue behind my back. Lose anyway. Eighteen of us have a curry that takes nearly two hours to arrive. Drink more. Quietly regret my entire existence in a brief moment of introspection. Jamie steals my mobile phone and puts it back in my pocket, having changed the language to Romanian. Complete cunt. Return to sofa.

Wake up. Panic. Visit gravely ill cousin and her daughters who are becoming more attractive and ladylike. Go red. Shown home movies of their last holiday. Say goodbye to gravely ill cousin and call her by the wrong name, despite knowing her my entire life. Get train back to London buckling under weight of guilt and upper torso that's being propelled by aching thighs on top of fucked kneecaps. End up on a replacement bus as train track's under repair and Britain is a fucking joke. Get to London to find tube's being repaired too.

Arrive at flat. Chat to Large Northern Flatmate. Work on Monday. Consider Martial Arts but legs too fucked. This could be the beginning of the end for my shitkicking unless I force myself. On the plus side, I haven't smoked for 48 hours. On the minus side, I have moved on to crack.


Anonymous said...

You know, I did hear this read in a dispassionate monotone inside my head.

But wait! You're going to New York after all? Did I miss something?

By the way, you've been tagged. Monotone that, baby! :)

chopperbomb said...

(For the kazillionth time) I didn't steal your phone. Don't you and Phil have a 'thing' where you change each others phone languages? Please refrain from calling me the 'C-word' in the public domain again. Your pal, Jamie. P.S. Beer Festival for lunch tomorrow?

Little Bird said...

Poor Fweng, come here and lay your head on my chest while I stroke your strawberry locks. Now doesn't that make it all better?

Jimmy Page's Trousers said...

All together now... Grey skies are gonna clear up, Put on a happy face.

Sorry to delurk with such a display of unsympathetic sarcasm. Better do something to make up for it. Ermmm. I hope your knee is better.

Han said...

I want to know if you are going to see your ex?!! Don't keep me in suspense.

Fussy Bitch said...

I'm loving the phone thing and I'm going to do it to the next person that annoys me.

Still not smoking?

Kept saturday night free for me? ;-)

fwengebola said...

LFM ~ A tag? Oooh! Wait, is it sexual? 'Cos I probably won't be able to write much about that.
CB ~ A'ight, mate?
Point 1. You took my phone and turned it Romanian.
Point 2. You know you took my phone and turned it Romanian.
Point 3. Politicians deny less than you.
Point 4. Accept points 1 to 3 inclusive.
Couldn't make this avo, but well up for a you-me CAMRA two-way. In fact, I MAY JOIN!!! Let's do it.
LB ~ Oh god. Oh god, yes. Oh, that's first class. Oh good lord, don't stop.
You have no idea how grateful I am for that.
JPT ~ Hey, I appreciate the delurking. Do I really come across that miserable?
Knee profound, thank you.
Han ~ Aha! One sniff of possible romance and you're here.
Yes, I am going to see my ex. She figures in my trip to New York rather largely as I'm crashing at hers, and hangin' out with her and stuff...
FB ~ Yes, yes, yes, still not smoking. And still maybe coming out on Saturday perhaps.

Joie de Vivre said...

I'm so jealous of Saturday.

You very much sound like you haven't smoked for 48 hours. Keep pushing through the pain, well done.

Fussy Bitch said...

You have mail.

You'll like it ;-)

luna said...

Camra? Now you're really talking middle age.

And lie down on the tracks this week end.The engineers are coming round to straighten up your rails along with the South Eastern Network ones.You're in need of repairs.

Han said...

Oh, I'm so excited! I love a bit of romance. I guess she doesn't hate you anymore then. Is she still going out with that other guy? I hope you guys get back together cos I love a happy ending.

fwengebola said...

JDV ~ Actually, I hadn't smoked for a total of five days.
Not the past tense though.
FB ~ I like. Now can you send me a photo with whipped cream too?
Luna ~ I have an awful feeling that these repairs are going to last several decades.
Han ~ Nope, she's not with the other chap. Who knows what the future holds? But I predict a long discussion.

luna said...

Han,you're seriously tripping.
Go back in time and read the post where he says he needs to get laid before his May birthday or he'll donate his cherries to Science.
And Science has just bought a steel juicer!!

fwengebola said...

It's not May yet, ducks.