Monday, March 05, 2007


6:50am: Alarm clock.

No, no, no, NO, NO!

There are two settings on my alarm; radio, or EVIL BASTARD BEEPING, so naturally I've always had the radio wake me up. But my alarm is old, and over the moronic chirpy banter of lobotomised radio DJs that snaps me out of my Coma-Lite every morning can now be heard the emerging torment of that fucking beep, growing in intensity until I feel the rage build up inside me like OJ Simpson at a wife-swapping party.

I went to bed late on Sunday night. I always go to bed late on a Sunday night. I just can't help it. It's my brain's fault, kicking and screaming against my skull and yelling 'I DON'T WANT TO GO TO BED YET!' while my body says 'Don't look at me, I only got up 8 hours ago.' So I do the dumbest thing possible and preoccupy myself til 1 or 2am because I'm a twat. And when I wake up, my temples are throbbing from lack of sleep and I want to kill everything.

I got to work later than my normal 8:45am. It was more like 9:30am, and half an hour after we open shop. Except we didn't open shop as normal because my Boss arrived on time but forgot his keys - a rare event, and on the one morning I'm not there to let him in. So what would've been a largely forgiven half-hour late spell on my part became a locked-out fume on theirs.

When I opened up, our van driver phoned. He wasn't on the ball either and had just filled our diesel van with petrol and couldn't understand why the fucking thing was dying on its arse, so our guys couldn't do any deliveries today.

Then Rob mentions that a friend of his mates was shot dead yesterday.

Fucking hell. All I need now is major dentistry.

For forty minutes this afternoon, every tooth in my mouth was being manhandled by a butcher with an electric scythe.
'There's a lot of plaque behind the gums', mumbled my hygenist distractedly as she attempted to punishment fuck my virgin nerveendings with a fierce rotating phallus, her only obstacles to attaining oral coitus with my jaw being my bleeding teeth. And after being x-rayed (I was locked in a broomcupboard with a '70s chic radiation machine while the hygenist yelled from the safety of The Other Side Of The Door, 'For God's sake, DON'T MOVE.'), I was told the joyous news that I need to visit hospital to have my wisdom teeth expatriated.

So that's an eventful start to the week, and one I hope never to repeat in a billion fucking lifetimes. And now I have this strange Chernobylesque headache.

Coming Soon ~ Unnecessary Introspection #6: The Crap Blind Date.


VI said...

I once had to go to the dentist to have a root canal done, and stacked my pushbike on the way there, so was in the dentist waiting room while patching myself up. Talk about double fucking pain! (The day they needed to check all the nerves were gone when they weren't!)

londongirl said...

I hate the dentist. I am such a wooss - I cry even before they touch me.

Sounds like you had the day from hell though. I managed to shout at my boss in my tired and stressed state which wasn't very clever. oops.

actonb said...

Wisdom Teeth. Are. Of. Satan.
Last time I was at the dentist, they said they'd need to be removed. Which would be why I haven't been back for years...
Ignorance is bliss in this case.

Shoshana said...

I follow actonb's lead - the last two dentist's I've been to told me that on my next visit we would be scheduling to have my wisdom teeth out. I wonder if they miss me, cuz they never saw me again. I still have never understood why on earth anyone would choose to want to put their hands in people's mouths for a living. Yuck. Your imagery is beautiful though, don't think I could have, in a million years, come up with that metaphor.

Hope you have a better day tomorrow. Mondays are meant as torture.

Ordinary Girl said...

Oooh, that day is even making me wince! May it get fabulously better as the week goes by... (Because lets face it, with that start then just marginally better would still be goddamn awful!!)

Joie de Vivre said...

I would follow Actonb's advice and run for the hills. Or, if you have to do it, get them all out at once. I had only 2 removed, and wont go back for the rest. The single biggest pain i have experienced that was self-inflicted (well, arranged, pre appointment, paid for etc)

I die with curiousity when u talk about the 'shop'. i wanna know wht you do and sell. you are a florist arent u? (arrangements by strawberry)

Venting said...

I would get a second opinion about the wisdom teeth. Over here, all dentists recommend they be taken out (I'm suspecting because it's covered by most health plans here). I went to see another dentist after mine told me he wanted to take mine out and the new dentist said, "Well, they aren't impacted so it's up to you. You'll have a harder time flossing."

I think I'll take the flossing over surgery.

fwengebola said...

VI ~ Probably best if you don't cycle. Ever. I hope I don't need root canal. Just the name sounds vicious.
LG ~ I quite enjoy looking like I'm nonplussed at the dentists. In reality, I couldn't keep a poker face (albeit with her fingers in my mouth) when she kept drilling at nerves. That tickled somewhat.
Act ~ Ah, gettem out. I'm looking forward to it. I've convinced myself that by having them removed, I'll magically cure myself of my constant headaches, tinnitus, and apathy of life.
Shosh ~ No! A thousand No's! Don't be another eldery person with one last tooth left! Get the wisdoms out!
OG ~ Yes, I am looking forward to the rest of the week. The Boss is going skiing, which for most people would be a chance to put their feet up. Sadly for me, it's an opportunity to run the company singlehandedly and stay each night til 10pm.
JDV ~ I think if I'm advised to definitely get the lowers out and maybe the top 2 later, I'll get them all done. No sense in waiting.
I've often thought of detailing the shop, but I may not. It's part shop, part office, which is why I spend all day at a desk, with those spiteful ringing phones.
V ~ I'm going to get them done on the NHS, ergo: Free. I'll be long dead before I reach the top of the list, but still.

Anonymous said...

You are only 88 on top blogsites. You need to spice up this blog or the investors will pull out.

Quick said...

Bloody hell. Hope the rest of the week was better... in fact it must have been brilliant by comparison.

Fussy Bitch said...

Ok, my shitty couple of weeks now looks decidedly less shitty. Thanks, darling :)

Shoshana said...

Not to worry, I have abnormally healthy teeth. Nary a cavity. And I floss. I am determined to keep all my teeth exactly where they currently are. So there dentists.

fwengebola said...

Anon ~ I'm 88? WOOOO! I had no idea. That's not bad news; that's ruddy bloody brilliant.
Quick ~ I'll let you know. I'm still living this week. And now by boss has gone skiing and I'm running the show almost singlehanded. Great.
FB ~ I'm glad to have been instrumental in making your week less shitty.
Shosh ~ Right. And your great teeth help me how? I have upped my dental regime though, 32 years too late, but it's a start.

luna said...

Blame it on the eclipse.

Typical Woody Hellenish day.You're his natural scriptwriter and you were conceived solely to provide him with comedy stunts.Trying them out in your real life,that's your true calling!

On the strength of my friend's experience of haemorraging after a badly conducted tooth extraction I'd advise you to leave well alone.
If they don't bother you don't bother them.

Quite apart from that,did you know there's a correlation between teeth and memory?Fewer teeth means fewer gigabytes in your grey cells.
And you want to remember each and every one of past vexations so as we can laugh,don't you?Woody's counting on you.

My own teeth were both impacted and
entwined with the main nerve,so rather than risk facial paralysis and looking like a stroke survivor courtesy of the NHS I did a spot of health tourism & paid (well my grandmother did) The top specialist surgeon on the Continent to take them out.
It went
well,minimal pain,bleeding,bruising,swelling and fear.Recommended.

fwengebola said...

A natural scriptwriter? Hooray! Vindifuckingcation at last.
There's also a correlation between going old and going bald, oddly.
(I'm not going abroad for a tooth op, ta.)

luna said...

Have you checked out this WE Times supplement?

fwengebola said...

It's not about foreign dentists, is it?

luna said...

It is.A sign from above.
Fancy enjoying a drilling day out on the Blue Danube's shores?
You could even drop by your Auntie Marika and cousin Lajos,as you have relatives this way if I'm not mistaken.

fwengebola said...

I have relatives fucking everywhere.
(And don't be lewd.)