Saturday, March 03, 2007

Ha! Charmin'

Work, yesterday. I leave my desk to pay a visit to the bathroom. Answering the call of nature will be my only break unless I've decided to smoke that day. (In which eventuality, two minutes standing outside my office and looking at passers by with the same gormless sallow expression of an Essex nightclub attendee provides me with a little extra respite from the daily grind.)

But generally, my little breaks from work occur when I'm sitting on the toilet and reading that day's Metro or else thumbing through our resident copy of Titanic: The Ship That Never Sank. (Many a time have I passed sterling evacuations whilst noting the comments of an assortment of Captains, pursers and various other eyewitnesses from a 95 year old inquiry.)

Ours is an office occupied solely by men. As a result, our one nod towards sanitation is a purple cake enclosed in plastic and attached to the rim of the khazi - a cake which has long since gone yellow due to some primal urge to aim at something. I'm almost 100% certain that my colleagues all do this too, but we have yet to bring this up in casual conversation.

And so, on completion of yesterday's successful release, I reached for the paper on my left, hanging from the wonky dispenser on the wall. Nutsacks, just a lonely cardboard tube. I reach over to my right, to grab the remaining toilet rolls next to the dust-covered sink, where the Charmin reside. I noted the cover; a cute cartoon bear cheerfully cuddling a toilet roll. Depicted next to it was the self same bear, this time hugging a few more rolls and beaming with delight. Next to that was a final picture of the bear utterly enraptured, almost sexually so, as he cradled into his hairy bosom dozens of the fuckers.

Suddenly, and with Zen-like clarity from a mind unencumbered by any thought other than that of ursine caricatures, I realised; 'Oh My God. These are the bears that shit in the woods.'

I could use my spare time to ponder the Meaning of Life or else have a good hard think as to where I want to go in life, but Nooooo, let's just 'get' a Marketeer's in-joke whilst sitting on the toilet instead.


VI said...


Never thought of it like that! Definately had me cracking up (not so much so that I need to got to the toilet though!)

la fille mariƩe said...

Oh, ducky, did you really just get the bear / woods reference now?

Ordinary Girl said...

Lol, its amazing the moments of clarity you can get while you're sitting on the loo! I must confess to having done some of my best (and worst) thinking whilst busily occupied in such a manner.

fwengebola said...

VI ~ I feel like I've cracked the Matrix, or something.
LFM ~ In my defence, Charmin isn't huge here. I certainly don't know of any tv adverts or big campaigns. I'd only really noticed the bears when I was - you know - sitting.
OG ~ Me too, but since switching to a high fibre diet, I don't, erm, have much time for thinking any more.
Beat that for an excuse.

Ordinary Girl said...

Lol, while I may have got the bears in the woods reference (mostly due to tv adverts I must say), I have to admit I only just got your title for this post! Doh!

furtive said...

one word, fweng.


fwengebola said...

OG ~ Bloody hell.
FM ~ Oh no, am I missing a clever reference there? Shits like a puppy? Fluffy as a puppy?
Either way, if you're a bogroll manufacturer, best to use a fluffy animal for your corporate identity. I think Zebras are currently still up for grabs.

luna said...

I'm disappointed.
I thought you were gonna realize the bogroll had run out.Now that would have been funny haha I really have a shitty sense of humour,instead your punchline has gone down the toilet.
Bear with me!

fwengebola said...

Hahaha, Bear.

That would've been the worst post in the world. 'I went to the toilet... and there was no toilet roll.'

Next post; Mother-in-Law jokes.

luna said...

Well it's all in the unfolding of the story innit