Sunday, February 18, 2007


Sunday afternoon. I haven't gone to work in nine days and I feel a little groggy from lack of activity or having my brain taxed.

So when my mobile phone pinged with a message today, I was slightly confused. It read,

'Is that you Fweng?'

I didn't recognise the number. It appeared to come from Manchester. But initially, I thought it an American cellphone number.

I called Jimmy as a mutual friend of ours has moved to Boston, Massachusetts. Said friend, Haggis, is aware of this blog, because Jimmy told him about it as soon as he discovered of its existence the day I really wanted a copy of London Lite. Haggis then decided to make it his mission to make the Eastern seaboard of the United States aware of this blog.

Until he read it, and decided not to bother.

'Your silence is deafening', pinged a new text message.

'Yes, it's me', I replied. Seeing as I write this drivel anonymously, it was slightly odd to be receiving equally anonymous messages on my real life non-Fwengebola phone.

So I must know them.

'Good. I am glad the contact details we have been supplied with are good. My colleagues and I have been monitoring your blog for some time and we were able to obtain your contact details by following the appropriate channels. The nature of our contact is somewhat sensitive but we would like to meet face to face for a discussion. Please confirm your availability tomorrow evening.'

Bollocks. I definitely know them. But who? Most of my friends are either too tight to send lengthy text messages, while the rest can't spell. Monkey Dave's out; his fingers are too fat to hit the right keys. Plus he uses a lot of abbreviations and swears a lot (This is my mate the Science teacher). Other Dave, Luke, Sabina, Rob, Other Rob, Garry, Ally, and Nick don't really care. Martin's a possibility, but my instinct says no. Russell, Trotter, Gay Rog and Even Gayer Paul are more interested in Heat magazine. Large Northern Flatmate would rather die than profess an interest in anything that doesn't involve him. Ex-colleagues Cas, Steve, Angus, Lloyd, Other Steve, Jon and Sally would have to be really bored to pull a stunt like this. So that leaves contenders Jimmy, Phil and Jamie - or rather our extended circle.

Either way, the text-ee isn't all that anonymous to me, and certainly ain't sexy and female.

'I'm afraid I will be having my bikini line waxed tomorrow and for the rest of eternity', I replied.

'This is not a funny matter. We are aware of your address'.

'Remind me, what is my address?'

'I don't have time for your games. One of my colleagues will visit you tomorrow evening. Your blog has upset my organisation.'

The Daily Mail? I haven't even written a post about how much I hate them yet. So I sent another text,
'I look forward to your visit at my address you don't know. Please contact me at work. Wear a raincoat. Your codename is guineafowl'.

Then, as an afterthought, or perhaps in surprise that I hadn't yet done this, I received 'Don't even think of ringing this number, you fuck. If you reveal my identity we will have to deal with you.'

Hmmm. Phil likes to call me a 'Fuck'. But the number, the number...

'Don't worry', I replied. 'I can't be bothered. You are disturbing my watching 'Beauty and the Geek' on Channel 4 anyway'.

And with that, silence. Perhaps they like Beauty and the Geek too and I reminded their organisation that it was on. Although after all that excitement, I didn't see who out of Amanda and Brandon or Tristin and Chris won the fucking University Challenge quiz at the end.

So who's texting me? I don't know. And why is the number it's coming from a landline? But as it's a Manchester number, my guess is someone affiliated with the Brucie Boys' Alright My Loves? Very Amateur Football Team.

Reveal yourself, or else I'll publish that number here! And trust me, some of these commentators will phone it. (Luna, I'm looking at you.)


thegirl said...

Scary - for you.

Exciting - for us.

I eagerly await the outcome... (sorry).

Dave Fishwick said...

It's probably one of the women that filmed the baby-fight that you disapproved of in your last post. There's a huge underworld operation involving the buying and selling of top quality fighting children and they'll do anything to silence objectors.

Fussy Bitch said...

Oh wow. And I thought my sainsburys/horse constituted a freaky day.

VI said...


Yep, fwenge, you beat angies freaky day!

Sexy Vixen said...

glad im not the only one to get annonymous contact.
earlier in the week I got a call from a withheld number on my mobile from a woman who knew my real name. she told me she will find me if I sleep with her husband again............I have no idea who it was. did occur to me maybe I should sleep with everyman who has my mobile number to find out if it was his wife. I did ask te two married men I see but they are both convinced it wasnt their wives.
It is intriguing tho.

Anonymous said...

Wow Fweng! Wow also, Sexy Vixen! You have really freaking exciting lives! I am hugely jealous (well, not really). I mostly just get people sending me very long pornographic stories to read. Of course, that's mostly what I send, too. I also get the occasional marriage proposal, or cock picture.

But weirdly threatening anonymous text messages? Wow!

Ordinary Girl said...

Scary, but also exciting. Publish the number, I for one am happy to ring it for you :-)

fwengebola said...

TG ~ If you pick up a paper soon with the headline 'Whinging Blogger Killed by Mysterious Organisation', you'll regret your lack of compassion, oh yes.
DF ~ Of course! Wait, they
can't write.
FB ~ No, your Sainsburys/ Horse event was just as odd.
Vi ~ No, it was.
SV ~ Oh look at that, you're sucking someone's cock on your homepage. Well, it's good to know that you're more likely to get into more trouble than me. Sympathetic thanks.
LFM ~ I am mildly amused that women with sexblogs get so much attention. You may as well stop blogging and just walk the streets with a placard that says 'Perverts of the world, please send your filth here.'
OG ~ Oh I would, Ordinary, but I have since been sent a text telling me that if I publish their number, I will be outed. Not much of a threat really, because a) I'll only delete their comment and b) If I don't, you will discover that my real name is .... whatever. Ooooh, woah!

Joie de Vivre said...

I already know your real name. You are so easy to find through google fwenge baby.

So excited about mysterious organisation calling you a fuck, im sure its a friend fucking with you. i would ring them if i was you, i would get a friend to ring and find out who it is from another number. fuck them. its probably those twerps with the bad review thing. they got the hump that u dropped the green.

ill ring them anytime u me the number... fuckit, email me anyway

Shoshana said...

Sitting on the edge of my seat - this definitely beats those mystery novels I don't read.

Sexy Vixen said...

really looking forward to hearing about the mystery meeting tho.

thanx for looking at my blog.

isabelle said...

Blimey !
If you need to go into hiding, email me, it's quiet one will find you....ewwww, maybe that sounds stalky too, but it wasn't meant that way !

fwengebola said...

JDV ~ You Googled Fwengebola? So you know my real name's Geoff then? I know to what you refer, and I may have been lying. And I will email you naked pictures of me*
(* No I won't.)
Shosh ~ This is a mildly demi-interesting event. But not that much.
SV ~ I don't think it'll happen.
Iz ~ Stalker!

Venting said...


I'm pretty sure all the weird text messages I get are from people I give my number to when I'm drunk. So no suspence there.

m said...

I always get really irritated when people text and won't reveal themselves/I can't remember who they are. I agree with Venting though, they're usually poor souls I've given my number to whilst drunk. It seemed like a good idea at the time...

luna said...

Hey,hold your horses! Why me??
Let me remind you you're the one going to kickboxing and whatnot.

Still,I've got a crowbar handy if they come round to yours.

I didn't know it was possible to text from a landline, have you tried to find the adress attached to the number?
There's a website somewhere matching them.
Then your Manchester mates can take over.

And be aware.Check out and search judy mallaber 14 march 2006.

fwengebola said...

Vent ~ I never give my number out. Best way.
No-one wants it, mind you.
M ~ Welcome, M. And another Joie de Vivre type blog. I do get rather too many anonymous texts. (One per year)
Luna ~ I could just phone the number, like I could visit Judy Mallaber at, but apathy's stopping me again.

Tequilla Mockingbird said...

Well, this just makes my stalker situation pale in comparisson. I mean, my stalker is in my head, and I have completely dreamed him up, but yours is real.

I could not be more jealous. I could try, but it would not be possible.

you realise that you can start calling yourself fabulous now? yep, you have made it.

TM :-)

Anonymous said...

Hey, it's the stalker here. I'm hunting you all down.

fwengebola said...

TM ~ I'm fabulous? I'm fabulous, I'm fabulous, I'm fabulous!!! I always wanted to be fabulous, and now I am.
Oh thankyouthankyouthankyou.
Anon ~ Oh fuck off.

luna said...

Why can't you visit Judy, she works for you so you don't have to.

BTW you've seriously upset the mafiosi with your Pizza Hut episode,not to mention some baboonish Afrikaners in the S.A. rant.

Please preview us when comes the turn of Israel or Iran so we can take cover and cower.

P.S.Cunt T & co were away ALL weekend...