Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Playing Catch Up

Ho-hum. I feel empty again, like a pornstar's bollocks. I'm not massively depressed despite how this may read. Put simply, I'm just Down. I feel like I'm stuck in a black hole.
Like a pornstar's penis.

Perhaps it's the gloomy weather, or my lack of motivation, but like Labi Siffre, I've got the blues. And it's a bitch.

Tonight, I went to a focus group. Large Northern Flatmate and I are currently roadtesting the BBC's soon-to-be introduced Catch Up TV service, and he sent me to eat the free food and give my two cents.

Except I didn't eat much of the sandwich hillock available even though I wanted to (I've been to lots of groups like this and always end up too embarrassed to cram myself full of free food), plus I quickly realised I don't know much about the TV service to be of any use. I spend too much time on the Internet when I get home.

It didn't help that I was sitting next to perhaps the two most boring men in the Western Hemisphere. If they weren't demanding the digibox comes equipped with a terrabyte of memory (What the fuck's a terrabyte, and when did I stop knowing about technology and turn into my Dad?), then the men were bemoaning the faults of the system. Granted, the group organisers needed constructive criticism, but at one point, I wanted to yell 'Aren't you ever satisfied, you whinging arsesacks?'

And yes, I'm aware of the hypocrisy in that comment.

From my point of view, I was just grateful to be getting a free digibox, even if the picture does stutter and break up occasionally. And even if I don't actually watch much of it.

I think the problem is my subconscious. It's being bombarded by less than subtle reminders that there are things that need addressing. The cute waitress at the Beerhall reminded me that I couldn't chat up women if I did that for a well-paid living and was on commission. The girl who escorted us to tonight's group was also cute, although I soon realised that I couldn't smile or flirt with her as my face was starting to glow red just by thinking about it.
There was an equally cute girl on the tube on the way home, and although there were infrequent glances going both ways, again, I was paralysed. What do I do now?

So I did the only thing I could think of when I got home; head to the newsagents for cigarettes. I'd finished a pack earlier, ironically my Last Pack Ever, only to feel lost enough to want to smoke (until four puffs in.)

At the moment, it's not so much the Thrill of the Chase. The only thrill is spotting a Chase-ee, then crumbling as I open the garage to get in my phallic Lambourghini to discover that it's been vandalised, it's out of petrol, and it now looks more like Trabant.

And then there's my job. I like my job, but I don't love it anymore. I enjoyed learning the ropes, but now it's all about helping my Boss and I get through the day as cleanly and efficiently as possible. I know I should look for a job in a more challenging field, or even in some writing, umm, thing, but I can't face the pain.

And why am I'm always tired? Constantly? When I was at the BBC tonight, there were still a few employees busying themselves at 7pm, and I thought How? If it wasn't the sheer thrill of their jobs keeping them going, then it was perhaps the threat of doing their best in a high-pressure industry and it scared me to want to go back into that world.

I wish I knew what the hell I wanted to do - you know - with everything. When I was 13, I thought I'd be married with kids by 21. In hindsight, I now know that's dangerously young to be settling down without really living first, but I'm 33 this year and I'm not sure if I've ever really lived.

I don't have a career. I look at nice women from afar. I will never be able to afford to buy a small broom cupboard apartment in the city of my birth. And I'd love to have kids but I'll soon be too old to pick the fuckers up.

I know where I'm going wrong in life, and I know the steps I have to take to correct it. But without being sure where I'm going, it makes the journey so much harder. And without the kick-start that I'm waiting for, I don't feel motivated to even try.

But at least I can blog about it and make everyone miserable.


Bloody hell, bring on the summer. I need sunshine.


VI said...

Here's your official

*kick up the arse*

I hope that hurt, BIG TIME!

Did you feel my pointy tip, did ya, did ya?

luna said...

Where's that Bierstaub again,I want to milk my mammaries for all they're worth....
Why don't you apply there too as a sausagemaker,there's a slot for you somewhere!

What are you saying?You flew round the earth to where the Most Divine Being Alive is giving interviews and retreats and all you have to report for it is a chat with another barprop?
That's no coincidence indeed more likely high probability as birds of a feather etc.

That said I do believe in fateful encounters.Just not in a Lonely Planet backpackers joint,ever.

Anonymous said...

Pull yourself together and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You are alive and well and live in one of the best cities in the world. Stop FUCKING WHINING or you will never get laid or get the career/life you want. Try going out and getting what you want rather than expecting it to come to you and you might be surprised with the results.

Z said...

The first stage in doing something about it is in knowing something needs to be done. It'll come, just don't become too fed-up to take the opportunity when it arises. Even a half-chance, go for it.

And it could be that you just aren't really the casual relationship type and that finding the right woman is far more important than finding 'any good-looking' woman.

There seem to be so many choices, how on earth does one know where to start? It's a bit of an illusion, choice.

Fussy Bitch said...

Oooh, gissa cuddle ya great daft lump o' gorgeous! ;-)

Shoshana said...

It's sunny here today and my mood is way better now - I'll try sending you some sunshine if I can figure out how!

Anonymous said...

Wow, look at all the people advising you to take the opportunity when it arises! I have to say that I agree, ducks.

Cheer up... appreciate the sun when Shosh figures out how to send it. Or come to Canada and appreciate the complete lack of sun and overwhelming amounts of snow instead.

Joie de Vivre said...

How about a holiday you miserable bastard? Sunny NZ!

You gotta start smiling when you see these pretty girls, espesh the ones on the tube or where its not a pressure to talk/follow up on the smile. Practice!! I get shy when its guys i like, but i have practiced so hard on every other fucker, i manage to meet eyes and smile. why the fuck not? its not illegal or that scary for folk (unless you have really shocking teeth) . life is fucking short ... and other true cliches.

you prob feel like this cos of the weather (SAD syndrome?) and sometimes you need to lull in it to be able to work out how to get out of it. At least you know wht you want, half the battle.


actonb said...

This is a classic case of 'grass is always greener...'
I'm 33, married at 21, 4 kids, plenty of bloody sunshine (and stupid Sydney humidity) and I'm no happier than you!

So, um, buck up little camper?

At least you have REAL Cadbury's.

isabelle said...

awww, don't be glum.

It's true, the grass is always greener.....it's all about the way you look at things, that can change everything.

I think you're fabulous....xx

luna said...

You're still down from the flu + the hangover.And you upset your body clock.

I'd suggest you adress your tiredness with a holistic doctor who will look at your whole routine and living ways.Someone like that Foot Doctor who sounds a really nice person,and he doesn't just treat the feet despite his name (though that's a start)

As for romance,imo waitresses are not a good idea.They get hit on 50 times a night by literally wankers and they must be fed up with men, when they're not using them as punters for tips as you discovered at the Bierhof.
Don't set yourself up as a John.Just behave like a friendly person,and if a girl makes you shy imagine she's her twin brother.

That or only approach the really ugly ones.

luna said...

Is it just me or do other commentators need to type in the word verif twicw over before their comments manage to stick?

Lady in red said...

I do luna

fwengebola said...

VI ~ Hmmm. I think that worked.
Luna ~ That sounds familiar. Why have you posted a similar comment in a previous post, you nutter?
But I agree. Two people who like travelling are likely to bump into each other in popular bars abroad.
Anon ~ Harsh but true.
Thanks, Mum.
Z ~ Yeah, I think choice can be rubbish somehow. Although given the choice between a casual relationship and finding the right woman, I'll be happy for either at the moment.
FB ~ Yay! I like that, cheers.
Shosh ~ You sent me a sunshine e-card! You did it! Thank you!!!
LFM ~ Take the opportunity when it arises? I will let you know...
JDV ~ 'Miserable Bastard'??
I did once smile randomly at a pretty girl a long, long time ago. But I looked scared, as if I was trying to pass a desk through my lower intestine.
So I don't do things like than any more.
I vaguely know what I want, but they're concepts; happiness, stability, a cracking lady with big tits, that kind of thing.
Act ~ Really? How strange. Want to swap cities for a while? I could do with some sun and you probably need... wind?
Iz ~ Fabulous! I like that. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Luna (again) ~ Holistic doctor? That's interesting, and appeals to my hypochondric side. But I disagree about the waitresses as they still date.
Although possibly not with the twats they have to serveOH MY GOD.
Luna (for the third time) ~ No, just you.
LiR ~ Oh. And you.

sue said...

Sorry to hear you're feeling down.
For what it's worth I am going through a bit of a tough time at the moment and I always look forward to reading your blog - it's so well written and witty it does cheer me up.

fwengebola said...

Hi Sue, thanks for de-lurking. I wrote that in the hope that a dull problem shared is a problem laughed out of existence, and it worked.
Hope you're ok.

Joie de Vivre said...

I thought you could take the miserable bastard comment. i was changing up my insults to be kind and caring, did it not work?

and dammit! re the big tits thang.

fwengebola said...

Well, a handful.