Sunday, January 07, 2007

Unnecessary Introspection Part 3: How To Remain Single

University.
1994.
Fresh-faced, and really really stupid.

There was a girl I liked called Lucy. I liked her a lot, actually. She was 19, cute, quite elfin, with black hair curled into little ringlets, a pretty smile, a lovely face, and a gorgeous body. She mesmerised me with her existence, and I'd often wonder from afar if we'd ever get it together. I never did anything as bold as flirt outrageously and make things obvious - at least I don't think I did - so, apart from smiling a lot and going red in front of her, nothing else happened.

Until that year's Summer Ball. At the end of the evening, some time around 3am, we'd bumped into each other having lost our respective friends, and got chatting. We'd got on so well that we decided to screw waiting for other people and made our way to the free coaches that were laid on to take people back to the beach, then on to the University halls of residence. I lived near the former while Lucy was at the halls, so I asked her if she wanted to accompany me to the Survivor's Photo on the Beach, which was planned for 5am just as the sun was coming up. This was a win/ win situation. The guys I lived with had already decided that unless we were lightweight pussies, we had to meet up to make that photo.

I am not a lightweight pussy.

The coach pulled up near the beach. Half the coach's passengers of drunk or dying students spilled out. At this point, we were nearer my flat, so I asked Lucy if she wanted to go back to mine first.
'Yes', she said.

Splendid and tremendous.

There was a steep hill on the way up to my student apartment, and Lucy started complaining that it was too uncomfortable to walk up in heels, so I scooped her up and carried her home. She didn't complain.

This was going uncommonly well.

Lucy was now in my living room, all the other guys I lived with doubtless still out enjoying themselves. Or more likely lying face down in a road and crying.

'So', I offered, 'Do you want to go down to the beach for this photo?'
'No, I think I'll stay right here', said Lucy.
'Right, see you later then!' said I, and duly headed off to appear as a dot in a picture with 200 others.

Even as I type this, I'm not too sure what fucking planet I'm on. The next day, when I made it down to the living room now full of my flatmates and Lucy, the lads hurled abuse at me for leaving her. When Lucy left to go home, I was hurled more abuse for turning down a very possible shag, or at least an extremely pleasurable fumble.

Only then did it dawn on me what I'd done. So fixated was I on The Goal Of Making That Photo, I'd completely failed to recognise that an infinitely more superior option had shimmied sexily into view.

An ENFORCED CELIBACY MONKEY visited me that evening, and has been on my back ever since, barring a handful of occasions where I've been able to duct-tape it up and sling it in my cupboard.

As an addendum to this story, a year after we'd graduated, we'd managed to blag tickets to the next Summer Ball. We were expecting a washout as all the folks we'd studied with had obviously left, but we were pleased to find a lot of people we still knew from 4-year courses. This included Lucy. I walked over to her and kissed her cheek, and apologised for being an idiot. She gave me a hug and told me it was ok. I continued to tell her how much I regretted what I did, and wished I could make amends. Placing a fresh cigarette between her lips, she told me to forget about it. Trying to be gallant, I reached for my lighter and offered her a flame. In her concentration to reach it, she wobbled uneasily, teetered a little, then fell over.

Oh.

She was absolutely fucking hammered. She wasn't going to last the next ten minutes, let alone an evening with me trying to gain re-entry. Not wanting to take advantage of her in that state, I gave up.

The moral is: I don't know what the moral is. Don't be me, perhaps.

25 comments:

Jingoistic said...

That is hilarious! I am definitely looking forward to Uni life... Which Uni did you go to btw?

Z said...

Maybe you were/are saving yourself for That Special Person?

There's really no comfort anyone can give, is there. Sorry.

Shoshana said...

I think I need to stop reading this blog - your advice for not managing to win over the opposite sex is spreading. Thanks a lot.

fwengebola said...

Jing ~ It wasn't hilarious. It was stupid. Please please please don't do what I did and think a little first. I was priviledged enough to go to Bournemouth Uni. It was a mere polytechnic the year before I started. That was handy.
Z ~ Yes. And no. I am saving myself for that special person in the same way I'm saving a pathetically small amount of money for a rainy day. Sometimes I dip in to my rainy day account.
That analogy doesn't really work, does it?
Shosh ~ No, don't stop! I apologise if some kind of horrendous bad luck sex thing is happening via these posts. It's not intentional. Think positive!

Eileen Dover said...

Oh geez.

Have you googled her, or looked on MySpace to see what she's up to now?

I have one of those people in my life... he's now a missionary in a foreign country.

fwengebola said...

Uh, no. Although I knew a girl who knew her and apparently she's in a LTR with some bloke. They may even be married. No biggie.

There was another girl I knew though (and fucked up). She too is a missionary, somewhere in Africa. Actually that's not true. She's not a missionary as she actually works on AIDS projects, so I've heard.

My god, how many women in my past have I fucked up trying to fu... forge a meaningful relationship with?

Joie de Vivre said...

412.

(just answering Fwenge's question above)

jeez, you go to uni and they dont even teach you that gettng your end away is far more important than proving to the boys you arent a big pussy, which u didnt.

la fille mariƩe said...

Somehow, I continue to be surprised by these stories. Not sure why. Being English is not really a good excuse for avoiding sex at all costs, you know.

Shoshana said...

I probably won't be able to cut the cord just yet. Hopefully my luck won't continue - I think your post just caught me at a bad moment, things should be sunnier in the morning, at least I hope so :)

actonb said...

Hi, just de-lurking long enough to ask why you went to kick the shins of the big bad bully boys. Again.
Because this little lurker is both perplexed and perturbed.

WLTM said...

Don't worry an enforced Celibacy Monkey has been on my back for years also, maybe there are more of us out there than we think?!

Denim Boy said...

I also have one of these monkeys. Mine wears a pink velvet three-piece suit and carries a cane, but he is a monkey nonetheless and causes me much grief!

Fussy Bitch said...

Ooh db! I want your monkey, he's prettier than mine!

Fwengey - how could you have thought being on the beach would score you more points than actually scoring?

fwengebola said...

JDV ~ Close. 453. The stupid thing is we all spent our time trying to get some aciton, and I didn't even spot it arose.
LFM ~ Hey, welcome back. To, erm, Canada. English people don't avoid sex at all costs. Just me, accidentally.
Shosh ~ I don't know what you're referring to, but be mean. Don't be desperate. Be ruthlessly nochalant. I'm guessing this is the problem, no?
Acton ~ Are you perchance referring to those It2m idiots? The story was, last night, I decided to copy and paste their review of this blog permanently into my sidebar, as it was so vitriolic, angry and strange, it amused me. When I popped in, I noticed they were still getting their kicks writing scathing, mis-spelled reviews of pretty all the blogs they discuss (grammatically incorrectly).
And when I saw Mikey's brilliant Glove on the Railing blog being dismissed out of hand (although granted, he's stopped posting and there's nothing up there anymore), I snapped, and commented that they're a bunch of sad losers with nothing better to do than to insult other bloggers whose blogs, they feel, don't meet their lofty standards. (They particularly hate basic templates like this one - that really seems to irk them the most.
I'd just had enough. Mickey's blog had (when he was writing it) more humour, intelligence and wit than anything I'd seen from any of their contributors.
So that's that.
Sad, sad, sad little twerps. Plus their standard insult was to call me a fucking liberal Brit, so you can probably gauge their level of intelligence, common sense, and world view from that alone.
Wltm ~ Ooh, welcome. A fellow single with a relationship blog. Meet Denim. He's a gay you. Who's also ironically a gay me. Hannah's got a similar blog, plus an ex she's probably thinking about right now.
DB ~ Your Monkey is astonishing and very elaborate. Mine wears dungarees, drinks tea in mugs, for some reason, and smells something rotton. He's also very excitable. I think your monkey will get lots more female attention.
Fussy ~ See, db?
That beach post is a lesson in realising that sometimes, goals in life may have to be rethought now and again.
I think that's very profound but I'm not sure what I mean.

fwengebola said...

JDV ~ That typo and nonsensical comment has destroyed me!

Waynecoff said...

hi fweng, sorry my spelling is bad too, I have thought about your post, and all I can say is, don't choke yourself on what could have been, you made a choice, and if Lucy was a real minger, who would have cared what you decided. You made what you thought was the right choice, yes its good to get laided, by I stand by you on this one. You wanted to show you could last the pace and you did. Put it behind you.
What would Wayne have done. I would have done the same, and when I got back, if she was still there, I would have given her a crusty face mask. Yes, Plenty of jism over her face, she was wasted anyway, you could have blamed one of your so called friends. Also I would have undone a few buttons, had a peak up her skirt, had a little fondle, or lick on her minge, mmm, oh yes baby,.
Nice bloging Fweng

fwengebola said...

WC ~ Some interesting points you raise there Wayne, that all, I believe, point specifically at the male/ female dichotomy; our physical being that yearns, crys out, if you will, for tenderness, and for love and then the spirit, and a more ethereal experience within us all, intangible to a degree, but visible and bare, like this face mark of crust.

fwengebola said...

DAMMIT I MEANT MASK, NOT MARK!

That's what happens when I try to be a smartarse. Fuck this, I'm off to bed.

Joie de Vivre said...

Fwenge - I have destroyed you with a typo somehow ? sorry bout that. what typo u pedantic ass?

Joie de Vivre said...

I know I'm on my 68th comment to you today, i dont care ...

I heart the review, tee hee, your blog doesn't even count as a blog.

Doesnt even count, not even to 10, no counting, blogless blog, blogfree blog, nonblog, libritblog

(fwenge, u so hard - or foolish? to go visit those bitches again)

Shoshana said...

Apparently, without any details whatsoever, you've managed to nab my problem exactly - I'm way too nice, and I made the unforgiveable error of actually admitting I liked a guy. Will never make that mistake again. Oh well, on to the next!

Will said...

Wow. I started reading this with a dread which turned out to be fully justified.

Do you have a copy of the survivors photo sitting on the mantelpiece to eternally remind you of your blunder?

fwengebola said...

JDV ~ I wrote 'aciton' instead of action. That was all.
JDV2 ~ Are you on crack? It was just my boiling point boiling over. What the hell's the point of a forum that rips into people's blogs just for kicks? If it actually had one iota of humour anywhere, I could forgive them.
Shosh ~ I have a sixth sense for ineptitude. Don't regret, just blog it all down when you're over him (otherwise you'll just sound bitter and mad.) Oh, and always, always, always play it cool.
Will ~ Hey, welcome Will. A very good question. I think it's buried at the bottom of a box in my Mum's garage. Which isn't a euphamism. It's a box.

luna said...

Your good mate Wayne is so gross he's hilarious.
As a lifelong feminist I should tear him to bits but instead I'm in stitches.Have you visited his scato blog?

The best of all is I'm sure he's totally literal,no third degree there!

P.S.Imo the key word in your post's "fixated".Watch out for that.

fwengebola said...

I'm still waiting for a post where he has sex.