"Don't Hate," my Dad advised me as a small boy, "Dislike." Well balls to that. The Nothing Man has challenged me to banish in an incinerator ten things I Hate, capital H (and pronounced 'Aitch', not 'Haych', dammit.)
I think he's bored.
Sadly, so am I.
For the last two days I have written a huge list in bed and surreptitiously at work, so here is my shortlist trimmed down from 14 billion original nominations. Note the rather interesting segue of entries (Everything basically pisses me off):
10. Liberal Bashers ~ I am liberal, because I actually like people. Well not all of them, obviously, but I am rather fond of Humanity in all its fascinating hues and idiosyncracies. I am proud to be liberal because, dictionary definition, I am...
Not limited to or by established, authoritarian attitudes, views, or dogmas. I am free from bigotry. I am open to new ideas for progress, and am tolerant of the ideas and behaviour of others (just). I am broad-minded. I am progressive. I am a fucking grown-up, alright?
Liberal bashers think we're all about wanting to cuddle murderers, and have lots of random sex. This patently isn't true. Firstly, I don't have any sex let alone random, and I personally want to kill conservatives for being largely arrogant, racist and ugly. Their immediate rebuttal to any argument is 'You're wrong', and that's just as you're being introduced. Neocons, in contrast to the liberal definition above, are severely limited to and by established, authoritarian attitudes, views, and dogmas. They are bigots. Progress and change are dirty words, unless they get to make a fast buck. They are intolerant of the ideas and behaviour of others. They are narrow-minded, regressive, and scared.
I'm Liberal and proud. But hey, they're entitled to their opinions. And a good kicking. And now to contradict myself further...
9. The Talentless, Rewarding ~
You Fucks are the flu-viruses invading the otherwise healthy cells of Life. While all the other cells are out working hard and providing for their families, you somehow think that you're entitled to earn more money and priviledges for doing far, far less. Paris Hilton, I'm looking at you. Jack Osbourne, put that bun down. Jade Goody, you are the Queen of the utterly pointless, indescribably useless and nauseatingly ignorant. The only thing good about you and your ilk are your kidneys, and even then I suspect they'll want a six-figure magazine deal and some cake once they've escaped from the self-obsessed cage that is your ribs. Most bipedal primates beyond nursing age are blessed with more intelligence than Jade, except she's managed to become rich beyond her wildest dreams FOR DOING NOTHING, NOTHING! This includes launching her own fragrance, Shh....(-it, obviously). This perfume, of which her only contribution was to lend her name to it and turn up to the launch, went into the top three UK best sellers within days of it being released. Thus, the British are cunts too. Jade's also got a weekly column in Now magazine, despite the fact that she can't write, or spell, or speak properly, and has admitted that all she does is give some opinions on stuff to 'professional' writers who write it for her.
Wait, I am starting to hate you less. You're just a very lucky moron.
(Update 18th January ~ No, I actually hate you more, if that's possible.)
Clearly the next entry has to be ...
8. The British ~ Because we reward the Talentless. We pay them vast amounts of money to revel in their ignorance just so we can feel smug. We allow ourselves to be fined, overcharged and CCTV'd - seeing as we're one of the most surveilled places on Earth - and we accept it. London is also one of the top four most expensive cities on the planet. We had an Empire (i.e. Took someone's country and built an army barracks), then lost it. Now all we are is one big local council that fines its residents continually. We're miserable. We don't converse with anyone (apart from folk up North who, lets face it, would talk to walls). The weather's erratic. People from one part of Britain hate people from another part of Britain. We're sarcastic (although that Rocks). We have class divides. And now the Chav underclass is poised to overthrow us all!
I'm moving to Paris.
7. The Fuck You attitude ~ Largely cultivated by said Chavs. The whole Chav thing smacks of a kind of racism, or at least a simple snobbery, which is why I'd prefer specifically to incinerate the Fuck You attitude - It's the kind of people who are obsessed with announcing how they like to "Speak My Mind, yeah?". What this essentially means is 'I'm an idiot and I've grown proud of offending people. I speak my fucking mind, me.' This is an extention of Hip-Hop culture, when impoverished and marginalised black men in America's worst ghettos broke out of the cycle of drugs and violence by (ultimately) rapping about drugs and violence, and (eventually) swaggering around in a fur coat and saying things like 'I Speak My Mind'. This should never apply to some shouting teenagers on the back of the bus to Hounslow, who only have a semi to escape from, and a nagging Mum.
Stop swaggering, realise your potential, and get a job.
6. Work ~ Will I ever find a satisfying career?
One where I don't mind being snapped out of my blissful reverie to be woken up too sodding early each and every fucking morning?
Where I work among cretins who I see more of each day than my own family and friends?
Where I have to whore my life to The Man for a wage to pay the bills and keep me in alcohol and Pringles?
I won't? Oh, fine.
5. People with no morality ~ And they always seem to win, too. Take George Bush, and guess what I'd say. So here's Jeffrey Archer instead; a smug arrogant fuck and a career liar. Even his early history is vague as he's woven so many lies. Has trod on everyone to scramble to the top. He married a woman who he cheated on with golddiggers and hookers and who somehow fucking forgave him. He lied in court and went to jail, then came out and was allowed to keep his life peerage. This piece of shit was going to run for Mayor of London.
Robert Kilroy-Silk, you're just a twat.
For my part, I like having my morals. It does suck not having a sex life or healthy bank balance though. Would becoming an arsehole (more so) help? Probably. I just can't tell any more.
4. Selfishness ~ Me, me, me. The ability to live your life as if no-one else exists. Last Saturday, I had to leave my warm bed at 2am to visit my French neighbour who was blasting out bad techno, where I had to pound on his door and tell him to 'Turn That Off. NOW.' It would appear that living an entire thick building and one floor away makes no difference to the throbbing bass reaching my ears. It is exactly this kind of casual disdain for people around you that is DESTROYING OUR LIVES. Like the people who try and force their way onto a tube train just as myself and thirty people are attempting to get off it. Can't they wait ten literal seconds?
And what about the time I was queuing up at a bank a few months ago? My long wait was nearly over when some teenager with a Fuck You attitude walked in and stood in front of everyone. The queue's reaction was distinctly British. We Tutted, and that was it. So I alone had to tell the kid to get to the back of the queue.
'Nah man, I don't like queues, you get me?'
'No I don't get you. Now get to the back before more people arrive and take your spot, you little turd.'
He tutted, then joined the queue and I felt momentarily hard.
3. Intolerance ~ Not the causal kind I've been spouting up til now, but the Hatred for No Reason kind. This includes:
a) Skin colour - Oh grow up.
b) Sexuality - I'm sorry, other people's private lives affect you how, exactly?
c) Religious Vitriol - 'Kill the Infidels!' - Again, grow up.
d) Nationalism - 'I was born here, thus I am better than those born there' - Idiot.
e) Racial Hatred - Look, if Jews really control the world, please may I have Koh Samui? And here's a little secret, we do control the world and the Holocaust didn't happen. So here's what you have to do: Let all that anger and hatred fester and develop over time until you snap into action, round us all up, and kill us. And hey, if you don't kill all of us and you get found out, you can say that that was a lie too because Jews control the media, so you can try again another day! - You evil brain-dead cancerous lungs.
2. Computer Crashes ~ Marginally less annoying than the Holocaust, but still shit. I've spent hours writing this drivel only for my computer to crash, or else Blogger did, or perhaps there really is a God and She hates me. Either way, I got to the end then lost the lot and had to start from scratch.
Don't ask how angry I am.
1. Cunts ~ You win, cunts. My life could be relatively pleasant if it weren't for your incessant interference.
Take a sprinkling of Selfishness, a healthy lack of Talent, one Fuck You attitude and a shmeer of Intolerance, and you have a Cunt. Or Jeffrey Archer. You can spot them with their arrogant swagger and air of overblown self-importance. They are indifferent to the vagaries of life that surround them. The lives of Other People disinterest them, but Other People's money, attention, and sexual organs enthrall them.
I was once trying to park my car in Oxford to no avail, until I saw a young man packing bags into his boot.
'Pardon me,' I enquired as I leant out my driver's window, 'Are you about to leave?'
He looked up, snooted haughtily, and without even bothering to reply slammed his boot shut and walked off to chat to some girls at a neighbouring car, shouting 'Alright ladies? Can I give you a hand?' loud enough so I'd hear.
That is a cunt. Doing the opposite of what someone wants because, well, I'm not sure why. Perhaps because I'd dared to ask a favour.
I'm not going to wish him dead. But I wish him Unable to Reproduce.