Every so often, wankers appear unannounced. Like the two anonymous commentators who popped in earlier to write 'COCK!' and 'Grow up you twat.'
Thanks for that.
And then there are the wankers you meet out there.
This morning I'd cycled to work early and in the rain, and quickly made some blog changes on my work computer. Then I went for a swim and accidentally left my full bottle of showergel in the showers.
I worked for 9 hours with a ten minute break to grab lunch from the supermarket, when I couldn't be bothered to yell at a woman for blatantly pushing in. After work, I went back to the gym for my martial arts lesson, noting that my showergel had definitely been abducted. There was a new attendee tonight, a rather plump 14-or-so-year-old in for his first lesson who got very excited during our one-on-one, smacking his gloves together then coming at me like a mardy pitbull on steriods. He punched me several times, so I had to stop and tell him that this was supposed to be vaguely non-contact. He went mental again so I upped the ante and gave him a couple of gentle roundhouses to the ribs which spooked him out at first, but only served to add 'wild kicking' to his repertoire of flailing his limbs at me.
I felt nicely knackered by the time I left and hopped back on my bike to cycle home, although the sharp chill and strong wind made it a less than pleasant ride.
As did a scumbag driver. Two lanes of traffic were stationary at red lights and I'd overtaken them all and got near the front just as the lights were changing to green. The car I was now level with had no idea I was there, something that didn't surprise me. As a result, I found myself with no more road left to travel on as there was now a traffic island in front of me and a moving car to my left, so I braked sharply. This is not out of the ordinary. But when I looked at the driver, he was having a good old chinwag on his phone and that's when the red mist descended. I yelled 'GET OFF THE PHONE!', remarkably without swearing. Due to heavy traffic, I overtook him seconds later and was able to turn and, with hand signals, mimic a phone to my ear being set back down. He hooted a long rebuttal. When he then overtook me, he slowed to my pace with his window wound down. I'd say he was in his sixties and, with a rather posh voice, yelled 'I'M NOT ON A FUCKING PHONE!'
'WELL YOU FUCKING WERE AND YOU DIDN'T SEE ME COMING!'
'FUCK YOU!' he yelled in his inunciated tones, then slowly, 'FUCK - YOU, YOU - LITTLE - CUNT!'
'OH FUCK OFF' I responded pithily.
'YOU - LITTLE - CUNT!' again.
This was rather offensive. He had stopped at the next lights, and I began to pull over to his passenger window so he would quickly realise that I'm actually a fairly big cunt, but truth be told I couldn't be bothered with yet another screaming moment at yet another wanker of a driver. He's old, he's more than likely out of shape, I'd gain nothing from it, and more importantly, I'd been there before.
So, on noticing that the lights had only just changed to red and, as this was a T-junction and the only traffic, all on my right, had yet to move, I continued over and blew him a big theatrical kiss.
Unfortunately, waiting at the opposing lights and watching me jump the reds and blow sarcastic kisses were the police.
Fortunately, they must have had better things to do than to bother stopping me.