Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Please Don't Be A Wanker

Every so often, wankers appear unannounced. Like the two anonymous commentators who popped in earlier to write 'COCK!' and 'Grow up you twat.'

Thanks for that.

And then there are the wankers you meet out there.

This morning I'd cycled to work early and in the rain, and quickly made some blog changes on my work computer. Then I went for a swim and accidentally left my full bottle of showergel in the showers.

I worked for 9 hours with a ten minute break to grab lunch from the supermarket, when I couldn't be bothered to yell at a woman for blatantly pushing in. After work, I went back to the gym for my martial arts lesson, noting that my showergel had definitely been abducted. There was a new attendee tonight, a rather plump 14-or-so-year-old in for his first lesson who got very excited during our one-on-one, smacking his gloves together then coming at me like a mardy pitbull on steriods. He punched me several times, so I had to stop and tell him that this was supposed to be vaguely non-contact. He went mental again so I upped the ante and gave him a couple of gentle roundhouses to the ribs which spooked him out at first, but only served to add 'wild kicking' to his repertoire of flailing his limbs at me.

I felt nicely knackered by the time I left and hopped back on my bike to cycle home, although the sharp chill and strong wind made it a less than pleasant ride.

As did a scumbag driver. Two lanes of traffic were stationary at red lights and I'd overtaken them all and got near the front just as the lights were changing to green. The car I was now level with had no idea I was there, something that didn't surprise me. As a result, I found myself with no more road left to travel on as there was now a traffic island in front of me and a moving car to my left, so I braked sharply. This is not out of the ordinary. But when I looked at the driver, he was having a good old chinwag on his phone and that's when the red mist descended. I yelled 'GET OFF THE PHONE!', remarkably without swearing. Due to heavy traffic, I overtook him seconds later and was able to turn and, with hand signals, mimic a phone to my ear being set back down. He hooted a long rebuttal. When he then overtook me, he slowed to my pace with his window wound down. I'd say he was in his sixties and, with a rather posh voice, yelled 'I'M NOT ON A FUCKING PHONE!'
'FUCK YOU!' he yelled in his inunciated tones, then slowly, 'FUCK - YOU, YOU - LITTLE - CUNT!'
'OH FUCK OFF' I responded pithily.
'YOU - LITTLE - CUNT!' again.

This was rather offensive. He had stopped at the next lights, and I began to pull over to his passenger window so he would quickly realise that I'm actually a fairly big cunt, but truth be told I couldn't be bothered with yet another screaming moment at yet another wanker of a driver. He's old, he's more than likely out of shape, I'd gain nothing from it, and more importantly, I'd been there before.

So, on noticing that the lights had only just changed to red and, as this was a T-junction and the only traffic, all on my right, had yet to move, I continued over and blew him a big theatrical kiss.
Unfortunately, waiting at the opposing lights and watching me jump the reds and blow sarcastic kisses were the police.

Fortunately, they must have had better things to do than to bother stopping me.
The end.



Anonymous said...

Nice one, I always spit on cars, they hate it, Would you want to clean someones flem of your window screen.
Always on the phone or always blocking our path.
Its like that up at hampstead, with the road blocked at the moment.
I think every road in london has some sort of road maintenance on it.

fwengebola said...

Including right outside my bedroom window. Last night, some maintenace guy was using a heavy duty tarmac burner at 11.30 at night. It made a collosal din. Why start that late? WHY?

fm said...

cunt is a fabulous word though.

Anonymous said...

Grow up you COCK!

Oh shit... I forgot to check off "anonymous" this time, didn't I?

Dave Fishwick said...

A wise soul once told me that one is either a wanker or a liar.

Eileen Dover said...

I'm sure the police loved your reaction. :)

I would have busted my arse laughing.

luna said...

Good God,what a lucky escape,you watch your blood sugar levels Fweng,road rage's bad for your little heart.

Vent it all on the testomad 14 year old,I'd like to read a good punch up story, bet he's the one dissing you on that site,I hate teenagers,especially when they try to pick me up on the bus,honestly one even gave me his bubble gum,the shame.

Joie de Vivre said...

LFM stole my COCK tourettes comment!

Bloody chiswick roundabout (i know it may not have been, but i imagine everywhere u go to be chiswick, the gym - was that god awful place heading into brentford, with the pool) always laden with pigs.

Plsd you dont spit on the windshield like Wayne, but the big fancy kisses are tres hurtful. Road ragers hate it when you smile and wave. Best defense.

Will said...

They should start selling SatNav phones to stop people talking on the fucking things while they're driving.

Me = king of lateral thinking.

Anonymous said...

Old or not, you should have dragged the ancient motherfucker out of his car and created a scene.

The police would have come across, yes. However, they can also take the guy's mobile and check his call listings. If he was on the phone whilst driving then he would be fucked. At least three points and a fine. Wizened old cock-knocker

Anonymous said...

Sorry, Joie dearest, for stealing your comment! I'll let you be the rude, swearing one next time. :)

fwengebola said...

fm ~ Yes it is. And welcome, you...
LFM ~ Ahahahahaha :I
DF ~ Welcome. I am not a liar.
ED ~ We need more police like you here.
Lune ~ I wanted to lay into that kid so much, it's unreal. little fucker thought he was the main contender in the big Saturday night fight. I'll have him next time.
JDV ~ I'm actually the other end of Chis. You know, the nice bit. Brentford? One word - more of a noise really - Ugh. I think I will try to smile more on my bike, although this morning I tried to give a sarcastic thumbs up to a van driver who wouldn't let me past and ended up swerving into a taxi.
Will ~ Ahoy. They should just reintroduce the death penalty for driving without due care and attention. And loitering with no good cause.
Anon ~ I often wonder how much the police care. For example, if I did as you say and said 'Officer, search this man's phone and look at his call history', I can't see them going 'Yes Sir!' They'd probably tell us both to calm down, then fuck off without actually doing anything to anyone. Neither myself nor the driver were black, you see.
LFM ~ I'll keep out of this.

Fussy Bitch said...

I love blowing kisses at ranty drivers, always knocks 'em off guard.

Oh, and roundhouses to the ribs? Do 'em bloody hard, it makes the most wonderful thumping noise.

luna said...

True,there's maintenance on every single road and street and catalley in London,and it's like women always on a diet and never getting any thinner,nothing gets done.

The builders next door have been banging at my bedroom wall for weeks and weeks and yesterday one of them marvelled: "this wall's about to collapse",well,you don't say!
A new team'll get round to reinforce it in a minute.

The Nothing Man said...

I've nominated you to put ten things you hate in an imaginary incinerator. Feel free to destroy or remove anything you like. Let the hate run through you! I'm looking forward to this!!!

fwengebola said...

Challenge accepted!

Anonymous said...

I'm feeling this hating of the earth now, it must be catching. I think women are doing a good job of killing it, so I'm all out to save it now, a one man mission perhaps!

fwengebola said...

No, no, no! Don't give in to the dark side! Forget me, I'm a lost cause...