Thursday, January 04, 2007

Four days in and I want 2006 back

Despite this somewhat moody title, I'm not particularly hacked off. It just reads as if I am. Perhaps it's the struggling to come to terms with another year of having to change everything about my life yet again, and for the billionth time.

Plus it's cold out.

* Cycling, swimming, marital arts; The combined 2007 hell of 24 miles pedalled, 16 lengths swam, and a mere hour spent punching and kicking thin air was enough to make me realise I have all the fitness and stamina of a fat 40-a-day pensioner with no legs.
I have so much physical work to put in, it's not funny.
And all because of three gorgeous weeks spent not doing any of the above, and instead creatively spending my time watching awful TV and eating Happycarbs™ from a very comfy chair that lovingly cradled my now volumous arse.
If I had a girlfriend, she would've screamed at me to get off it.

* All this healthy eating is making my digestive tract implode. Switching from a diet of shit to a diet of lettuce is clearly confusing to a lower intestine. I'm on a vague plan of low carbs and low fat, high fibre and high protein, with no beer or fags ever. So far, so good. I have only wished myself dead a mere 7 times this year.

* I have been trying to switch banks for two months now. I have been with Abbey National since I was eight, and have finally snapped because of outgoing direct debits putting me four pounds over my overdraft, and incurring a £50 fine (Over the years this has happened at least six times). Plus they're just cunts. As a fuck you, I eventually hunted around for a better bank and chose Halifax, particularly as they boast "If you think switching your current account to the Halifax could be complicated then don’t worry – our dedicated Switching Team will do it all for you!", except that's a barefaced fucking lie. A month ago when I phoned to see why no objects de banque had arrived, I was informed that several new accounts were being hampered by some computer malfunction, and no-one could possibly rectify this until the new account holder phoned up to yell.
So anyway, long story short, I get to the gym this morning like I have done most days for the last year and a half, and got told at reception that my membership - ie my monthly fee - has been cancelled. This is because Halifax's dedicated Switching Team haven't done anything, because all banks are useless and greedy and staffed by inept fucking plankton. I phoned the Halifax and discovered that my rent and council tax among others haven't been paid yet either - I'm expecting something nasty in the post soon - so I asked the guy at the end of the phone how much I could fine them.
He didn't know.
So I've swapped one greedy inept bank for one that so far, is just inept. Things are looking up.

* My lovely ex-girlfriend hasn't responded to my suggestion that I fly out to New York to see her in a few weeks. She was keen when I put it to her personally a few days ago in London. Now she's back home with her boyfriend only a few blocks away, I've clearly made things a bit awkward for her.
So that's that.
If I did go, I'd probably have to get a hotel. And I'd only get one evening to catch up with her. The rest of my time I'm sure I could easily amuse myself, probably in bars cursing that all my spending money's gone on a fucking hotel. And I'm pissed off that her heart chooses me but her common sense chooses him, what with him being 4 miles away compared to my four thousand.
Of course, I could've not dumped her initially.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

I really want a pizza and garlic bread starter followed by a kebab dessert.

At least Celebrity Big Brother's started. I was particularly shocked to hear that H from Steps Came Out just prior to entering the house. This was followed by the equally shocking news that 'Nazis are bad', and 'Jim Davidson is a wanker'.

Random Update 9:50pm ~ Don't let Large Northern Flatmates shave your head in an effort to save on hairdressing bills. I am now taking tomorrow morning off so I can visit said hairdresser to make me look less like an epileptic punk who cuts his own hair.


The Nothing Man said...

'H' from Steps is gay? What?

Jesus, all my illusions have been shattered. I thought he was, like, the pop world's equivalent of Bruce Willis.

He just seemed so straight!

fwengebola said...

I know, all that preening and coo-ing and smiling and laughing and camping it up.

I just thought he was very, very, very, very, very, very happy.

Eileen Dover said...

Oh geez.

Is the hair really that bad???

Little Bird said...

OK, so banks are bad, bad places, but they pay my wages so I'll overlook your slight on them and tell you a very well known secret....


You can get the money the Abbey stole from you back, and I do mean stole, as the (I think it was these guys but it could have been the FSA or the Government) Trading Standards Authority has said they can't charge you more than it costs them to administrate the overdraw on your account, which is about £2.50. Many people have taken banks to the small claims tribunal and won all their money back (for some this is in the thousands).

Second, banks were told a couple of years ago to make it easier to switch accounts, and move all direct debits at the same time, so the Halifax, which is a brand of HBOS, should not be fucking this up. They've had plenty of time to get used to it, as for IT system problems, BOLLOCKS to that mate, they're lying and blaming the easiest thing they can lay their hands on. Someone has been incompetent. Write a nasty letter to Andy Hornby who is the CEO of HBOS. Address it to him at Halifax Bankd of Scotland, The Mound, Edinburgh, EH2 something. It should get there! Tell him you want compensation for the the time it's cost you to chase and the loss of face and damage to your credit rating. That should see some action.

Joie de Vivre said...

Still not over the H gay thang then you go and let fatboy shave youre gorgeous strawberry blonde locks off!!

fwengebola said...

ED ~ Well, yes. I imagined it would be a 60 second removal of my hair to a neat trim. Instead it was a painful 10 minute sawing by someone who has never cut hair before, and that was only the back of my head. Not sure what I was thinking.
LB ~ Thanks for your tips, Little. ('Bird' sounds impolite). I did actually try the former. I wrote to Abbey a few months ago. I asked for the maximum - 6 years of statements. My letter was clear and to the point, although it was obvious what I intended to do. Abbey wrote back with a piss-poor fragmented printout of the last few months and stated, and this is soooo fucking evil and cunning, 'We have (handily) moved all statements over six months old onto microfiche where the provisions of the data protection act are not covered.' I.e - Fuck off and stop trying it on. What really annoyed me though was that I had about eight years of statements with me, but threw them all away days before my friend told me I could nail the fuckers.

And as for writing to the Halifax, I'm doing that now. I didn't want to annoy the bank before I'm even with them, but you're right about my credit rating.

JDV ~ Call it a protest haircut at H coming out. I didn't know LNF would hack my head to bits though.

Denim Boy said...

I think H's most shocking revelation was that he now considers himself a 'jobbing actor'.

Performing at Preston's Charter Theatre as Buttons in Cinderella does not an actor make.

Anonymous said...


Shoshana said...

Sorry your 2007 is off to a not-so-incredibly-happy-wonderful start. But look at it this way - it's got to go up from here!

And, btw, banks suck, especially big ones. Unless you have ridiculous amounts of money for them to make off you, they could care less. I don't know about the UK, but here they actually give discounts for not having to deal with their customers - yeah, that shows the love.

Hope your haircut is fixed - it would be a tragedy for that strawberry blonde hair to be butchered.

fwengebola said...

DB ~ I think the key word here is Delusional. Still, I've yet to watch a single second of CBB and I fully expect him to last the course just by being nice and pleasant and bent.
Anon ~ What the fuck? Who are you? I bet you live in fucking Carshalton, eh? Eh?
DB ~ They give discounts? That's brilliant! Erm, I think. They're all evil anyway.
Hair now fixed. I look young, like a twink but without the buff body, youthfulness, or homosexuality.
Oh, or the slender build. Or lack of body hair.
In fact I'm not sure why I called myself a twink. Perhaps it's the white t-shirt I'm wearing.

Shoshana said...

Yes, banks in the US offer free checking accounts, as long as you don't actually show up at the bank or call them. They are big fans of their customers.

From looking at that defnition, I'm not even sure why you would want to look like a twink. Doesn't sound so appealing to me. Maybe to someone gay, I guess.

VI said...

LB beat me too it about the banks. Don't give up on Abbey, take the info you've got to small claims anyway. (contact C.A.B about it!)

Glad to hear the haircut turned out fine!

LEO SAYER TO WIN! (Just because he lives in OZ)

Joie de Vivre said...

Anon was from a bank. Surely?

fwengebola said...

Shosh ~ Wow. Most accounts here are free anyway. Although having said that, the banks make up for it with spurious semi-legal fines, such as $60 for going over an overdraft limit, and $40 for daring to have a direct debit leave your account when over an overdraft (In many cases, I'd stopped spening money when I had about $10 of overdraft left, only to incur an immediate $100 fine when a direct debit automatically left my account and I forgot it was coming.)
And I have decided I'm not a twink.
VI ~ So anyone with a vague Australian connection wins, in your book? I have an Australian auntie. Although she is a Ten Pound Pom.
JDV ~ I think that was my bank manager.

Eileen Dover said...

Darling, you have MANY Aussie connections.

Me. Vi. LB.

Granted we all live overseas, but we are all Aussie's.

Fussy Bitch said...


marital arts

*kicks self for not noticing before*

*giggles again*

fwengebola said...

Marital arts? Oh bloody hell, an amusing typo. Well I'm leaving it in because it pleases me.
Tschh, honestly. People'll think I'm Australian next.

luna said...

And you can add to your bank rant the fact that you now stand disfigured by a hideous haircut due to your lack of dosh,and sue them for loss of job opportunities hence the cancelling of the whole year's resolution plus romantic failure with your hairdresser whom you couldn't afford.

You've got a cast iron case here.

fwengebola said...

That's a good point. Slightly flawed, but fairly good.

Jeek! said...

lol I came across this article after I typed "all banks are useless" into google lol!!! I mean I applied for a lloyds tsb account about a month ago, and I still dont have... A cheque book, a paying in book, the correct card I asked for, a working PIN, or anyone that seems to give a shit about me or my problems, I've been down to my branch many many times, and admittedly, they have attempted to sort things (e.g. fuck about with their computers and having to bring in their managers and shit), .... anyway yeah ALL BANKS ARE USELESS, JUST KEEP ON NAGGING THEM AND THEY MIGHT GET THE IDEA!!!!!! LOL!

fwengebola said...

This was a year and a half ago, Jeek. But hey! Welcome!