Holy Moly have got a new book out, Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
This follows on from the success (i.e. getting published) of their first book, Holy Moly's Rules of Modern Life, which I noticed didn't contain any submissions from me, just like Disappointment.com's Law of the Playground, and quite unlike Beer In The Evening's excellent Beer In The Evening book, which does.
(And I am not revealing my BITE username, but I am revealing that I've reviewed 212 bars and pubs there, because I'm an alcohol-sodden lost cause.)
Getting your nickname published in books is disturbingly gratifying, and is an upside to my pathetic addiction of leaving comments on websites. I'm not sure why I do it. It makes me laugh anyway.
A few years ago, I used to waste time submitting to a forum that did have some interesting discussions. I found myself sucked in like a drug-addled singer's penis to Kate Moss's engorged mimsy. Over time, 21st century Internet friendships were formed, based on our propensity to making each other laugh through the medium of witty on-line bon mots and barely educated put downs. I couldn't take it any more. I was eager to meet these people. Get togethers were arranged in pubs, so I went.
I have never drunk so much in my life, and that's saying something. I was sinking 10+ pints on these occasions, at first, I thought, to keep up with everyone else and live up to my newfound reputation as a thoroughly normal bloke and all-round good cove. It was only later I realised that I was drinking heavily because I found myself embedded with alcoholic nerds and the booze dulled the pain.
The nerds were quite amiable if mad, but much more fun when we were apart and replying to each other in cyberspace. That's how I felt we got on best. The reality of being stuck in a dull London pub with one in particular, a loud, boorish, slightly insane drunk who seemed desperate to re-invent himself in front of new folk, was a lesson in how not to meet new and exciting people. It's not as if I'd joined these forums to make friends. It just happened.
I do actually have a fine circle of chums who I met through normal channels of work or university, in the flesh first, predating the nonsense of the Internet. This is also a fundamental reason why dating sites, although very good in principal, are also fucking odd.
"Hello, I've never met you, and you've never met me, but we've both established ourselves as single and you seem like a fairly normal homosapien so lets mate."
Be honest, it's strange. You simply can't beat the time-honoured tradition of meeting someone who isn't an icon or a log-in name.
So the lesson is Get Out More. Put the keyboard down, go to a nice bar, and interact with human beings. If you can do that, you won't be needing a dating site or even 'Submit Your Comments' websites for cheap thrills.
And I bet I'm still not in Holy Moly's new fucking book again.