Monday, September 18, 2006

Holland/ The Netherlands

Holland, aka the Netherlands. A stunning corner of Northern Europe with a fascinating history and rich heritage.
Plus drugs and whores.

Holland should really be referred to as 'the Netherlands'. Only the centre-west part of the country is actually Holland. Having said that, the Dutch call their national football team 'Holland' despite the inherent inter-political regional inaccuracy, yet they dont't seem to care about that one. Rather like me.

The Netherlands means 'Low Countries', although geographically this refers to a broader area encompassing Belgium and Luxembourg too, hence the economic union of BeNeLux, which sounds like a make of washing machine.

All I know about Belgium is that Brugge is a very charming town and well worth a vist (I've been twice), and that the Belgians drink more beer than anyone else on Earth.
All I know about Liechtenstein is that their national anthem is exactly-the-fucking-same as Britain's God Save The Queen, but presumably with lyrics along the lines of "Liechtenstein, Liechtenstein, what the hell's the point?" But this doesn't detract from the fact that I know so little about Luxembourg ('Zero' to be precise) that I had to opt for the one fact I know about the only other pointlessly small European country beginning with 'L'.
Anyway, back to Dutch whores...

Everyone's got their favourite stories of Holland, or to be more specific, the famously liberal city of Amsterdam. My favourite story is that I never went as I'm done with my pot-smoking days (the planets most overrated drug). But most people will tell you that they got "Really, really stoned" and were tempted by some 'stunning' hookers but got turned off when some repugnant fat fucker from Leeds barged in and obviously pulled.

In fact, most people will tell you how they spent their weekend stoned off their tits on skunk, space cake, and a fucking Zippy and Bungle latte. Apparently, Amsterdam is quite a charming city. The rest of the country has even more to offer (including a criminal amount of porn), but most people don't get beyond the first coffee shop they walk into. Which is a shame, as you're missing out on, erm, women rogering strangers for a financial consideration. And Van Gogh.

In fact, there's a lot to like about the Dutch apart from Rutger Hauer's smirking head and gags about dyke fingering; There's Going Dutch (splitting the bill instead of one person paying the lot), Dutch Courage (faux-courage through drunkenness), A Dutch Advance (A retreat).
In fact, you can have minutes of fun inventing your own insults by thinking of a word and alluding to it through an antonym or similar preceeded by the word 'Dutch', viz: Dutch stew (vomiting), Dutch orgy (lone masturbation), or Dutch opera (Straining so hard to shit that your eyes bleed).

I've met several Dutch people in the course of my travels, Peter Buijs (pronounced 'Bweesh', apparently) who looked like Peter Weller from Robocop, and Stefan, who resembled Benicio Del Toro. Both were thoroughly nice people with charming manners, maturity and intellect, and the decency to look like semi-famous actors so I'd remember them. Thus, the Dutch should rule over us like the pathetic slaves we are.

Pros: The colour Orange. The Dutch nickname for goatee beard: "Talking Pussy". A sensible approach to the social scourges of drug abuse and prostitution. The hardest pornography known to fish or fowl.
Cons: Gabba fucking techno. Living below sea-level and thus petrified of heavy showers. Mayonnaise on chips (or is that a Pro?)

Update 01.01.07 ~ It has long been a conundrum to me, albeit one I forgot to mention when initially writing this post, why darts players are either fat chain bedecked cockneys, fat tattooed Northerners, or Dutch. I don't know why the Dutch are so fond of darts, but they're always in the big competitions. And they're also fat. Strange one, that.

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