Tuesday, September 12, 2006

France

The French are, bar-none, the most arrogant nation on Earth, and everyone barring them are completely oblivious as to why. If the French were a person, they would be Jeffrey Archer, a feeble, cheating, womanising liar who thinks of himself in no less than Herculean proportions. Everyone else thinks he's a cunt.



France, however, is blessed with the world's most beautiful language. One only has to watch the savage rape of Monica Bellucci in Irréversible, or the beating of Neo Nazis in La Haine for non-speakers to assume that the antagonists were actually reciting poetry. Providing you had your eyes closed. And you ignored the screams.

France thinks the world owes it a debt for something-or-other, and to a degree, it does. If you are a fan of cinema, fine wines, or infidelity, then you will find that La France either invented it or cultivated it into an art form. France is also the proud home of sore losers. For example, they are still desperately trying to come up with a more accurate alternative to Greenwich Mean Time as the simple fact that 'Les Fuck-offs' invented something for the rest of the world to set their clocks to is too much for your average Gaul to bear. Moreover, their response to the nations that rid them of the conquering Nazis was 'Now get out'. Presumably 'Thank you' was too hard to say after four years of collective astonishment that it happened in the first place.

Another great thing about the French is that they simply cannot remain faithful. It's physically impossible. It's actually quite common for the average French bridegroom to walk down the aisle with his newly betrothed, eyeing up the congregation for his next quick shag. The bride is doing likewise. Occasionally, guilt will make them look at each other, briefly, to smile. Francois Mitterand, for example, was President of France 'til 1995. A year before his retirement, his love child Mazarine was uncovered, a daughter from an affair which was merely one of many. I was shocked at the time. France, by comparison, shrugged and flicked the news over to watch the weekly offering of free hardcore porn on Canal+ (shown at midday).

At our closest points, France is only 22 miles from England yet we couldn't be more different. All bets are off once you cross the Channel. Britain gave the world Football. The French get a bit of lip and lose World Cups as a result.



But I'm hostile for a reason. I once went out with a beautiful French girl. She mesmerised me with her stunning good looks, her addictive accent, her sculpted figure. I started to learn French. I took to wearing a beret and smoking Gitanes and shrugging indifferently when asked for directions. Unfortunately, inside that astonishing French body of hers beat the heart of a ruthless cold-hearted vampire. "You are fat", she once sneered at me, after a pleasurable afternoon spent in bed. "You make love like a door". "I hate being seen near you".

I stopped seeing her once she made it clear that she much preferred Italians, who in every possible regard are absolutely nothing like me. And by 'stopped seeing her', I actually mean 'pined for several years'. Strange thing was, she wasn't particularly electrifying in bed. I was just left with the impression that she should've been, so she probably was. Much like eating French food, really.

France
Pros: Language. Wine. Porn.
Cons: Arrogance. Racism. Delusions of Grandeur. Being French. Getting invaded by Germans, then helping them.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am/was in the exact same boat. 3 years lost, even bought a ring but never got the chance to ask the question. Goddamn french monkeys. Ungrateful lot, they are.

fwengebola said...

Ouch. I never got as far as a ring, but I did consider it.

Bomb La France.

luna said...

Hmm,I'm not going to dispute the fact that they're arrogance incarnate,in London they always block the pavement/queue/entrance, but your examples of French nasties i.e. Zinedine Zidane and your ex are a bit off the mark.

Elsewhere you mentioned that Zizou hailed from Algeria,so is he French only on the field? Did he lose (the cup along with his temper)because he's,French, Algerian,from Marseilles?
Didn't you yourself lose your rag with an Italian despite your being a cool Brit?

As for your X-GF,she is a particular French type mixed with Moroccan type,that is she is from an unusual background.That is not representative I shouldn't think.

What is not clear is whether she is a "second generation Moroccan",someone whose parents emigrated from the Maghreb to settle in France,or one of her parent is French the other Moroccan.

That would make some difference as to her attitude and general mentality.

Some French girls emigrate to London because they're considered to ugly to get laid by their snobbish countrymen :P

fwengebola said...

You're taking my blog slightly more seriously than I intended, but your points are noted. Or whatever.