Friday, September 22, 2006

Eastenders

An angry, festering, pus-filled bubo on the televisual arse of the world, Eastenders is not just the worst programme on television (and it's up against some pretty stiff competition), but it manages to represent everything I hate about that medium and the increasingly self-congratulatory BBC.

Eastenders doesn't represent London. It's incapable of representing anything, other than crass, sensationalised storylines acted awkwardly. For one thing, most of the characters are white. With more than one in three Londoners belonging to an ethnic minority group, shouldn't one in three of their characters reflect that? Nah.

And another thing; most Londoners find it impossible to extend a pleasant greeting without ramming a "fuck" in somewhere. The worst you'll hear on Eastenders is 'rotter'. And thirdly, real Londoners don't interact with anyone. The actual Eastenders would be half an hour of braying swagger.


Please do this to the entire cast.

As for the acting, okay, I admit to flicking over whenever I see Eastenders appear, although in the fleeting seconds I've had to misfortune to catch it in years gone by, I've been overwhelmed by its piss-poor, substandard quality. An American friend of mine was over here when she caught two minutes of violent over-reaction and ham-acting during one of those regrettable seconds. She was aghast, while I tried to defend that abomination before us as a much-loved flagship soap opera running for over 20 years.

But I couldn't live the lie. It would've been easier watching my children get eaten by a pitbull - if I had any.


A cunt.

Of these actors, only two or three have ever dared flirt with competence. A sad few have contractually agreed to live out the rest of their lives pretending to be someone else on this cancerous lung of a programme (see above). Not up for any kind of acting award soon is the phenomenally lucky 'Pat Butcher'. I say 'lucky' as no-one else receives such a healthy wage despite having not one discernible shread of talent. In interviews, Pam St Clement appears cultivated and well-spoken. On screen, she imitates a chain-smoking chav like she's showing off in front of her bourgeois cohorts in the Groucho. You simply haven't experienced eye-bleeding overacting until you've watched Pam affect shock or surprise, leaving the viewer wondering just what the hell she did to gain employment portraying other people in a TV drama.

Eastenders is violently evil and wretched, from that fucking irritating theme tune to the effete producers whose total East End experience is crowing loudly in overpriced Hoxton bars, and on to the scriptwriters with their bags of clich├ęs and 'yer-just don't-geddit-do-yas?'

I wish all those associated on the programme and all their devoted fans a really heavy cold.

41 comments:

Ricardo said...

you hate the earth?
Then it's time to move to another planet..... if you can...

fwengebola said...

If there's a planet with women that dig angry pale men, I'm there.

Vempire1976 said...

I totally agree that Eastenders is fucking shite and seriously painful on a scale only matched by those poor Jap's in Hiroshima!! At least they died quickly and did not have to endur year after year of the same shit!! Remeber that saying 'Same shit, different day'? That is Eastenders fucking screenplay!! The acting (so called) is more wooden than a pirates plank and a bird would be proud to regurgitate that amount of crap!! Please BBC dump this fucking piss stained vomit fuelled shite down to the sewers!!!

Vempire1976 said...

And yes i am aware i can not spell remember nor endure!!!

fwengebola said...

I really doubt that anyone BBC-like will read these comments and pull the show.

Still, we can but hope.

simon said...

I dont want to hate the earth. I really want to love it. I just cant.

fwengebola said...

I've got the same problem. The earth's like a stunning, intelligent and funny woman who's also a Neo-Nazi.

Anonymous said...

yea, eastenders sucks, same story over and over with different actors if you can call them that. O and why dont they let the other person explaine what they trying to say b4 interupting them and delaying the story line for another 10 weeks. You know what i mean.

fwengebola said...

You mean you actually watch it?

Anonymous said...

I am really relieved to find this site and find others who think like I do. Eastenders- ugly people with their stupid problems made up by right-on writers who should be shot.I would rather eat warm dog shite than watch a minute of this unbelievable crap. I HATE HATE HATE this programme and anyone involved including writers, actors(ahem) and especially the brain dead viewers should be fed into a shredder.
Thanks for listening _ I feel better now.

Anonymous said...

I positively hate this brain dead half hour of arguments, shouting and violence that this "Soap" put out virtually every night. Then to the wonderful waste of TV that the repeat gives us on BBC3, another chance to watch what was already watched a few hours ago, then the 3 hour (YES!!! 3HOURS!!!!) Sunday zombie marathon of tears, depression and every body walking round with their faces around their ankles. This has to be the WORST tv program out there at the moment, there is no humour, no imaginative writing, no comedy in this pile of hours droppings that this program is. Honestly, I can not even stay in the same room as it without my laptop with head phones plugged in to keep the drivelling, winging, moaning non reality of this program seeping into the relaxed confines of my brain, after 15 minutes of it I'm feeling stressed, depressed and suicidal. And yet people live their lives by this drivel, constantly talk about it at work, radio DJ's drone on about what happened in it at 6.30AM when I'm driving to work, I'm still trying not to think about what excuse I'm going to have come up with NOT to sit in the same room as this rot when I get back home.

PLEASE!!!

FOR THE GENERAL SANITY OF ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO SUFFER THIS AWFUL, DREADFUL BRAIN WASHING PROGRAM ON A DAILY BASIS......AXE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then maybe people would start to go out again and mix with other human beings instead of watching actors doing it for them.

fwengebola said...

I'm always amazed at the vitriol this old post of mine garners.
I also wish I could actually affect it's continued broadcast but, regrettably, I can't.

Anonymous said...

me and my boyfriend think your well funny mate we also think ian beale is a cunt and right now we are pleasuring ourselves over your blogs thankyou xxx

fwengebola said...

Well thank you. I'm afraid it gets a bit miserable. But MERRY XMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR! etc.

Anonymous said...

phwoarrr...

Anonymous said...

only one thing worse than watching another shite episode of fucking shitty eastenders..is coming on here and reading through fwengebolas sad attempts to connect to the outside world by posting irrelevent comments about a subject that means fuck all to any one....cheers bud you made me realise my life is not so bad after all..

Anonymous said...

I can't beleive I've actually find you!!!. I hate and despise everything this soap perpetrates to be. Do the BBC have shares in most of the tv mags and tv inserts because every one you pick up has one of their hideous characters on the cover, ok BBC for the record i'm and most of the people I know are not fucking intersted, we would rather watch something entertaining. For the record do real eastenders think this an acurate portrayal of their lives?, if you do, thank chrsit I'm from ooop north were we do actually have a sense of humour!

Anonymous said...

Unfortunate that you can't express your vitriol without a liberal sprinkling of profanity because on the whole I can't help but agree with your ongoing assessment of Eastenders.It really feels like someone invites you into their home to show you the contents of their unflushed lavatory and in the same way that I would not know how to respond to such a social event, I'm not sure how I should react to Eastenders. What is the point? No seriously! It's not social comment it's not a morality tail. Its not even a nihilistic, deconstructed view on a post modern society. All I can conjure up is that it is morally corrupt voyeurism of life at its lowest common denominator. Add it to the list of unanswerable questions -
Why Eastenders?
Why do little boys pull the wings off flies?
Why did neighbours in the former Yugoslavia suddenly feel justified in raping and killing each other?
etc. etc. etc

fwengebola said...

Yes, that's what it is;
'Hello, would you like a cup of tea? But first, have a look at this stinking massive turd in here... Because Eastenders is on. To take your mind off of that, here's a shit in a toilet...' (etc)

Anonymous said...

Do people still watch it, I mean what with all the entertainment available these days? Last time I watched a soap opera was when unemployed in the early 90s, when there really wasn't much else to do. We even got into Neighbours, for a while...that AnnaLise girl was hot!!

I can proudly say that in 15 years of parenting not one of my kids has wanted to watch Eastenders, and neither apparently do their friends. Whenever I've accidently flipped over to it I've been aghast at the shiteness of it. I am a social pragmatist however and do think it should continue, and perhaps even be increased, in order to keep the 'untermensch' occupied.

Anonymous said...

YES!!!!SO I'M NOT GOING F***KING INSANE!This god-awful misery fest irritates me like radiation sickness every time i even hear as little as those gastly tom drums!They are now apparently doing a story on sexual expliotation!Now, i don't know about the rest of england but ive had enough of this subject after having paid my TV licence alone!(after which my arse felt like it too had been sexually exploited! ). I too am from the london area and know that this is about as accurate to east london as simon cowell is to good music production!Absolute brain dead horse shit from the back of satans unwiped rear end!FUCK THE BBC AND THIS SHIT SHOW!!Now im off to do something im sure no-one off this show does!Asides have a read or bath(sorry phil no dogging woods involved here!) im going clubbing to HAVE FUN!hint hint BBC!).peace out! (o:

Anonymous said...

This shit programme has been on for how many years, Time it was removed from British television

Anonymous said...

Just had to endure a horrendous 30 minute dose of this fucking awful tripe. I don't understand why people believe it and think in some way it is anything close to reality.
Oh and why do they all whisper when they talk? Look out for that next time it's on. You'll see what I mean.

fwengebola said...

I've just discovered courtesy of my neices something worse than Eastenders: A BBC4 fan-doc about Eastenders, which includes all the writers and actors banging on about it as if it's 'The Wire'.

Anonymous said...

Ah, The Wire. Another really shit programme that I was duped into watching. After not understanding a word for the first ten minutes of the first episode, I gave up.

fwengebola said...

No! NO! NONONO! The Wire is not shit. It is excellent. Just commit to at least two episodes (perhaps with subtitles switched on). You may just get hooked...

Anonymous said...

Truly fucking awful. The Branning brothers are reunited and it is the biggest load of shite on the box. Every couple of weeks someone turns up and flops down at one of the terrible houses in the Square, 'I am your brother/sister/mother/father' etc and stays for a couple of months. You would think Lahndon is full of these transient types, just wandering about, without a job or a mortgage or significant other, who turn up every so often, end up shagging a member of their extended family, sleeping in the spare room, getting a job in Ian Beales cafe or in the Vic... and they all spend an unrealistic amount of time in the boozer seeing as though only a couple of them actually earn any money... truly fucking woeful.

Anonymous said...

I love East Enders..

Anonymous said...

Eastenders is amazing, I can't believe anyone wouldn't like it...
The characters on eastenders are like my family, been watching for 25 years and still going strong.

Anonymous said...

The most amazing thing about this utter shite, is how grown (men) are shit scared of any bloke who is shorter than 5ft!

Anonymous said...

Hi, I am a foreigner who lived in your country for 18 months back in the nineties. I used to watch Eastenders almost every day after school, believing this is the true portrait of modern british society and their everyday lives. I tried to comprehend it but after a couple of episodes I kept wondering what the averitge IQ of ordinary British people might be ... I have made very few friends in England and non of them were English.

fwengebola said...

I am so very sorry. Never use Eastenders to base your opinion on anything about Britain, other than what overblown shitty television in Britain looks like.

Anonymous said...

100% spot on.You would have to scrape the bottoms of some really shit filled barrels to come anywhere near this foul,cancerous,crud,where the"cast"regularly collect their renumeration for filling our Plasma and Lcd screens with this abominable,filth.The most dangerous thing about this fantasy,is that it induces weak minded viewers to really believe that this is the way the world is.I actually hear these cretins talk about this shit as if it has really happened and use their pseudo names such as ian beal as if they really exist and that is really dangerous!This vile tripe has never had a decent actor,or actress,since it's unfortunate inception in 1985 and any fool that has been stupid enough to think this is a step up the career ladder has come unstuck,apart from "Dogger"Mitchell and "Chippy" Beal,both of whom should should think themselves lucky that eastenders saved them from toilet cleaning careers.

Anonymous said...

I've only heard legends of there being others like myself, but it's all true!

Alas, the audio/video excrement that is Eastenders and it's inbred cousins seem to appeal to a larger portion of the urban herd than not, readily grazing it by the shovelful.

Perhaps Nasa will eventually auction off some of their spaceware and we can escape the stench.

~NevermoreIV

jake said...

having gout for the rest of my life would be a plus than watching this abysmal,fucking shite.

fwengebola said...

I love how this still gets comments 8 years after I ranted about it. And yes, it's still shit*

*even though I never watch it and just assume it's awful.

Anonymous said...

What's made this shit the bbc make even worse is the fact that they've pulled in Danny Dyer (a proppa cock sparrow my son) I thought he had better morals than to be involved in this shit. This is coming from someone who grew up in Plaistow within the east end but until I heard the foulness that this programme produced I'm glad I left east London.

timbob said...

visual chewing gum for the mind.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely appalling trash,hows this dreadful soap still running,its depressing.They all look like they need a good wash.

Anonymous said...

I've seen one series, and can confirm that it is indeed shit.

sawnoff said...

My wife is a sucker for EastEnders. Swallowed up by the "powerful story lines" of politically left wing nonsense. You can't make it on the BBC without waxing lyrical to the "producers". Writing anything for EE is like writing for ISIS. You have to be totally on their side to be anywhere near worthy to write this shit.
It demeans a nation to call this program watchable.